Journal 0048

Sunday 10:30pm

Went home this weekend for my sister’s birthday- was a really good time to see her and her husband.

Saturday 6:30pm like two weeks later

Right, never came back to this. Uh, yeah it was nice to see them? Shit its been like two or three weeks uh-

Started exam season already wrote half of then and I’m dreading everything. Smoking heavily and my mind is a mess. I just want to dump out my headspace and start over from scratch. I just can’t deal with all these doubts and my goddam terrible self-esteem crushing me into a paste. 

I’ve like no motivation and I just want to be done with everything. I want to be someone else, I want to be somewhere else I just don’t want to be me. I don’t want to be who I am, how I act, how I think, how I deal with anything. I hate all of it. I want to go back to when I wa younger and just try things over. I want to make different decisions and make different mistakes- I just wish I was something else.

I’m starting to feel that I’m hitting the top of what I can be. I’ve never been the smartest person, I’ve always struggled except when I haven’t and that’s  ruined me. I incapable of becoming something greater than I am. I’m starting to give up on being a better person, I mean whats the point. It’s evident that no matter how many years pass I don’t really change. I’m still the lost and broken crybaby that’s incapable and incompetent person that is always been.

My life is filled with magical highs if energy where I don’t even stop to think about why I enjoy myself. It’s rollercoaster though, the lows thst drag me to the pits of despair and self hatred have started to extend and take over. Why- what is wrong with me. I try to not be an emotional person, yet my emotions constantly fuck me over with my every breath. I hate it. The second I comfortable, the second I relax I get ambushed. 

I can’t ever relax, I constantly ever be calm. Something will always get me and rag me back down from whatever adrenaline high in running on at the time. This is my norm and I guess I should just get used to it. 

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Journal 0047

12:00pm

Currently on the bus to school, so that I can work on a lab that’s due today.

I’m super tired, the medication didn’t work as great as I wanted it to last night so I ended up falling asleep at like 12:30? Still a lot better than most days but not what I wanted ideally.

Ugh, I’m just frustrated at how useless one of my lab members is. I mean I have sympathy for the guy, he’s going through shit, but like- can you try and pull your own weight man?

Meh, at least I get to draft tonight. Ixalan has been a pretty fun set to draft, and I’ve been enjoying it a lot. Anyways in the lab, I’ll come back to this later.

2:55am The Next Day 

Welp, totally forgot about this post until I was laying in bed and thinking depressing thoughts. 😛

Made me think, hey I should blog something- because thsts typically the mindset I’m in when I blog.

Anyways, drafting was super fun as always! Got a bunch of sweet cards, did see one of my exes friends there, can’t really not because they work at my LGS. Was a wee but awkward, mostly because I saw them on the bus the other day with my ex going to his place which is in the same subdivision as mine…

Yeah- super fucking awkward things that I have to pretend that I didn’t notice because well fuck I ain’t going to say anything and they sure as hell ain’t going to say anything.

Haha, but yeah made sure to play it cool and pretend that that sighting had never occurred. Which made things a lot better! Played some magic and had a good time!

Also had a moment earlier where I thought my friend was ignoring me… Turns out my phone is just shit and I hadn’t refreshed on the message… Whoops! 

Alright, should probably go to bed now. I’ll try to start posting more regularly, but that won’t happen. 

Journal 0046

EDIT: Made this into a journal post, because it’s more akin to that than a lot of my other ramblings have been.

Falling into old habits again. Fucked my sleep schedule by not doing anything today. Took some allergy medication to make me drowsy, luckily that’s working so I’ll be up tomorrow at a human time. Doesn’t stop my chest from feeling like it’s going to explode though.

Drowning, breath got in my throat. Unable to breath. Kicking my legs in what feels like air, while water engulfs my face. Not even a piece of driftwood to save me. No one to save me.

Got to carry myself. Got to save myself. I’ve got to preserve my own life, from myself.

I need to do something to make myself feel better about myself. Not just this half assed existence that I call living.

I just- I just want to leave everything behind. I’m so tired, and so spent. I can’t keep doing what I’m doing. I can’t just keep pretending that I’m fine, that I’m okay- that I’ll be able to keep breathing and to keep treading water when I’m obviously going to drown.

I can’t keep doing this.

The idea of taking my own life persists in my mind now more than it used to. It’s a thought that haunts me, that’s found it’s way deep into my psyche and refuses to leave. Why- why am I still here.

I’m only here still to suffer, to power though my everyday and to- do nothing. I’m doing nothing with my life. Nothing with anything. I’ll be here, doing nothing for the rest of my life.

Until- i break. Until, I finally summon the courage to throw myself in front of that train. Or off that bridge, or to being that razor across my arm.

Sorry- down my arm. Across won’t kill me- down will. And down is the direction I’m heading to.

I like to think that I’ve not been this alone,
but the truth is that I always have.

This feeling is not new. Yet it aches like a fresh wound.
Helplessly I struggle to breath. Each breath full of smoke, bringing me closer to an end.

And end that I can’t see in front of me.
Yet, it all is the same.

The same end that I’ve always been heading to.
The same conclusion to my story.

Perhaps my thoughts will change.
They always have before, and if this is the same path-

Perhaps I will find my way off it once more.

Journal 0045

Yeah- aniblog is not going to happen.

Don’t got the time and what I chose to blog about turned out to be well less than five minutes, something I should have known but whatever.

Haha, anywho-

Yeah- that’s it for now.

Journal 0044

Hey, so quick update on things.

Dah dah dah dah- insert some depressing things here about my life and lack of things that are important to me but whatever.

Anywho future plans, DnD is taking a backseat in general as I don’t have that easy access to photoshop or the time to do it anymore- so instead I’m going to start back at aniblogging.

I’m blogging Osake wa Fuufu ni Natte Kara (Alcohol is for Married Couples) which appeals to both my alcoholism as well as my love of super cute couples. First episode is going to air tomorrow so I’ll see if I can’t get the post out right away.

Going to be lower on the number of screenshots but I’ll probably try and post photos of drinks that I’ll make while I watch! (I’ll research those before hand so I have some parity with the actual show).

But yeah- to tomorrow!