Journal 0003

I’m not doing so well. I’m writing this to calm me down. Hopefully it’ll work. My writing mind is usually detached enough from my emotional one that I should be able to even out myself by doing this. It helps that I end up focusing more on keeping my grammar and spelling correct than what I was freaking out about earlier.

I don’t think I’ve even been a really calm person. When I was younger I was prone to temper tantrums and a thing called being a giant cry baby. I ended up having to deal with about four years of anger/emotion management classes in elementary school. I think that combined with speech lessons is what really turned me into the mess of a person I am today.

Well that and my parents, but that can be for another blog post all together.

Where do I begin, well one of my earliest memories of well me being a cry baby actually truly hurting me, that I do still think about now a days, would have have happened in either fourth or fifth grade. I’m not too sure which. Either way, it was at the end of a recess and I was crying for no doubt a dumb and inane reason… I was walking back with the rest of children (whilst crying) and I overheard two of the teachers talking.

One of them said, “I don’t understand how he’s not more dehydrated.” At this the other teacher laughed.

I don’t think it was really well… the words that hurt me. It was more of the fact that two of my teachers, people who I was supposed to look up to and were also supposed to well… help me and take care of me, were laughing in front of me about me. It didn’t really hit until I was in high school how much that really hurt me.

It just sorta of like- brought forth so many other times when teachers or people in authority positions… gave up on me. Stopped really caring. Made fun of me behind my back, even though I could hear them. I just sort of realized, “Wow. That’s really sad.” I didn’t really know how to react to it.

I now do understand how it’s affected me though. I guess subconsciously I never really bonded with any of these figures after elementary school. I started to bottle in a lot of emotions. I have trouble expressing myself and I don’t do it enough.

The anger management classes didn’t help in that regard. Being told to calm down, not act out, breathe in, suck it up and be a man, or that boys don’t cry all the time so I should stop crying all the time, messed with me.

Whenever one of old friends mentions it I just sorta laugh it off, but it always makes me remember all these dumb things and I just don’t like it at all. Haha, there’s no real eloquent way for me to say it. It just makes me feel bad and I don’t like it.

This isn’t really helping. This is actually sorta making this worse? Maybe it’ll make it feel better latter? I don’t even know anymore.

Goddammit. I was fine like a hour ago, I don’t understand why all of the sudden I’m feeling like absolute shit. I want to cry, I want to cut. I want to drink or smoke or anything. I’m just feeling too much right now and I don’t like it at all.

This is dumb.

This is so dumb.

I’m just going to watch some dumb internet videos and then go to bed. At least then I’ll be unconscious.

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