Journal 0018

Monday 6:30pm

Heading downtown again tonight. I should probably stop by campus first and actually eat something, though it’s not like I really have an appetite. I also need to make a trip to convenience store to pick up a pack of smokes and some cash for tonight. I really hope that I’m not blowing through money too quickly. Heading out now, will come back to this in time.

Tuesday 11:30am

Last night was fun, just got a chance to drink and forget about everything for that night. Pretty much just let myself make a fool of myself in front of everyone because I just really could not care enough. Let’s just go through with a quick run through of the night.

Went to pick up a pack of smokes as well as some coffee after I stopped writing last night. Then got on the bus and headed to my friend’s place in order to do some predrinking before heading downtown. On the bus I ended up sitting next to one of my first year roommate’s friend, who also happens to share a major with my ex-partner. We awkwardly talked for the bus ride, and I tried my best to seem entertaining and okay. I just have this urge to act like I’m doing better than I actually am if I think it’ll get to my ex-partner. I want them to regret the breakup so badly. But, let’s not focus on how petty I am.

I ended up arriving at the same time as my mate who was joining us. We ended up playing a couple of drinking games and shooting the shit until around ten. One of my friend’s roommates was drinking with us but didn’t end up joining us downtown as they had work first thing in the morning today. Anyways, we loaded onto the bus and headed downtown. It was pretty dead when we first arrived but the club quickly filled up. It got really crowed, really quickly, and wow, people watching at a dive bar/club is entertaining as fuck.

I pretty much spent most of my time just watching the same few guys get shot down again and again and again, but they kept trying. I don’t understand, I could not, would not, be able to do that. Still, that’s besides the real point, what’s more interesting is how my friend and her roommate were swarmed by dudes. Like, I can’t fathom how quickly dudes would just flock towards them.

I’ve lost my train of thought.

I can’t stop thinking about them. I just miss them a lot.

Goddamit. What am I supposed to do?

It’s fine.

Whatever.

My friend and I had a long conversation last night while we were predrinking to go downtown. We talked about a lot of things.

I told them I’m cutting again. I did it because it feels good to get off my chest and to let someone know. I’ve only told two people besides them, and we’ll I feel comfortable with my choices.

We talked a lot about counselling and parents and how shitty the entire situation is. They’re also now on the long list of people who don’t understand why my ex-partner broke up with me. They told me that they used to look at the two of us when we were together and wish they’re relationship was more like ours. I don’t know, if it was that enviable than why did my ex-partner choose to give it up?

I just don’t know. I felt such a powerful connection with them, and I felt I could take on the entire world as long as they were by my side. To be shunned and tossed away by them is awful. I truly hope that like with most things these feelings will pass and that I’ll be able to look back on this and laugh at how melodramatic this all is. I just don’t know when that’ll be.

My friend also shared things and thoughts and fears they had. It might have been the drugs but they were talkative. I wish I could do something more for them. They’ve been a lifeline to me during this entire thing and I feel so undeserving. I wish I knew what to do, I wish I wasn’t hurting so much that I couldn’t think. I find myself trying to avoid moments when I’m alone because those are the times that my thoughts haunt me. I’ve been thinking about sharing this blog with someone, but I fear that I won’t be able to be as candid.

This is my last bastion of refuge that I have. I almost someone to find it so that I could have someone to talk to about this, but I know that them finding it would just open another can of worms. I almost want my ex-partner to find it. I want them to feel guilt and pain for what they’ve done to me. I want them to understand that they’ve lost something magical. I want them to rue this entire situation. I crave it.

I talked to my friend about this as well last night. They remarked how similar the two of us are, and how pretty and passive aggressive we are when hurt. I couldn’t deny it, the last time I saw my ex-partner on campus, I instantly lit up a cigarette, because I knew how much it bothered them. I wanted them to see how they’ve hurt me, even just with this.

I want to continue to be friends with everyone that we were friends with. I want to eclipse them, well not really. I just want them to be unable to forget about me. I want the satisfaction of next year, them asking to get back together, and shutting them down.

It’s petty, oh so petty; but hey! No one’s perfect.

Journal 0018

Friday 25th 7:00pm

There’s nothing like being on tumblr and looking at the breakup tag to make yourself feel like an over emotional wreck, mostly because you can find yourself agreeing with a of the sad quotes people are posting.

Went to all of classes today, that’s a plus I guess. I should write about something that isn’t depressing today.

I don’t really have the motivation to write. I’ll leave this for now and come back to it later before posting.

Friday 25th 9:00pm

Managed to iron out a lab that was giving me a lot of trouble, I guess that’s good? We had to create a filter that would denoise a specific audio signal that we were given. We managed to find the high frequencies of the signal we wanted to pass by creating a magnitude graph of the signal in MATLAB. We took the peaks from this signal and used the index values to create a the filter. It took a long time to figure out how to do everything as they also wanted to signal sampled, and the filter had to be truncated to fit a 256 array. The values had to also be scaled to work on the DSP board that we using which just adds another layer of complication and tedium to an already fucking tedious lab.

I’m going to head out for the night soon, going to a mate’s place to hang out and drink. Hopefully that’ll give me a boost in happiness? I don’t even know what I want to do with my life anymore.

Friday 25th 10:00pm

On the bus heading to my friends place. They live on the bus route as my ex partner. I was both terrified and hopeful of seeing them on the bus. I need to drink. A lot.

I can’t help but want to see them, I’m just sitting here wondering what they’re doing tonight. Are they hanging out with their friends, are the staying in? Are they seeing the dude they made out with last week? I don’t know. This is killing me.

I brought beer. I haven’t eaten anything today. Well I tried. I couldn’t stomach it. My stops soon, I’m going to out on a brave face and get trashed tonight.

Sunday 27th 8:00pm

I’m in an odd place right now both emotionally and physically. I had a really good time this weekend. Lost to Pokemon battle that I had with my friend on Friday, but we essentially just hung out afterwards for a couple of hours and that was really fun. Just sitting around and shooting the shit with no real concerns. On Saturday I saw Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, and was super happy that I loved it as much as I did. The general story was easy to follow and predictable, but the overall lore building that was placed into made up for that in spades, in my opinion. Afterwards, my friend convinced to go with them downtown. We did some pre-drinking where we talked about the breakup and how my ex-partner’s been taking it. It was really nice to be able to just vent out everything .

Downtown was pretty fun, we met a lot of randoms that we befriended as well as a couple of my friend’s friends from their hometown. We ended up leaving the bars around two to head back to my friends place. Sorta awkward because their roommate’s with my ex-partner, but they didn’t come home until the next day and I shared a bed with my friend so I didn’t actually interact with them. Smoked some green stuff, as well as tried a “fun” cigarette. Now that was new and different, something to cross off the bucket list of things that I’ve done. Overall it’s been a really good weekend, and I’m glad that it’s happened.

I’m tired of being tired, I’m tired of lying in bed for ages upon ages hoping beyond hope that you’d reach out to me. It’s stupid, it’s dumb. I just don’t know what to do. You were the sun and stars of my life, I made sure that everything I did revolved around you. You left, and now things are crashing and breaking around me. Every little thing that I tried to do, every delicate decision I’ve made in the past year now haunts me. My mental scape, my emotional state is ruined. I can’t fight the unending sadness that seeps straight into my bones.

I will emerge, I just don’t know how long it’s going to take, and what I’m going to lose when I do.

I’m smoking too much. I don’t know if that’s why I have no appetite or its just general sadness. I can’t seem to shake this exhaustion either. 

The logical part of me thinks its because I haven’t been sleeping enough. That and not eating also adds to my tiredness. 

The illogical part of me is telling me I’m depressed. I guess, I do have the physical symptoms. I’m tired, no appetite and can’t seem to feel my own limbs. I’m incredibly apathetic about everything. I don’t want to play video games, I don’t want to study. I need to study, but I can’t. 

I’m being unreasonable again. I just hate feeling this way. I really do. 

I miss them. There’s no chance of things going back to the way they were, but I can still wish. 

I he bridges have been burnt, and getting back together seems to be the farthest thing from their mind. I just miss them. I really do miss them. 

I just want to hear their voice, and hold them in my arms. This is awful.