Journal 0016

I’m starting to see how this is going to play out. Moments of calm where I feel like I’m better mixed in with moments of such dread and fear that I think the world is going to end. Eventually though, the calm should outweigh the dread, and hopefully it will be a real calm.

Not this fake calm where I can’t feel anything and I start to panic because I’m numb. Not this calm where I feel the desperate urge to smoke, drink or cut. Goddamm, I have a lot of vices now. No matter what I do however, they’re just a stop gap. It’s not really going to keep me from going over the edge. The only thing this does is make me feel better about myself as I fall farther and farther into a pit.

I’ve thought about posting these somewhere that my former partner could see. I know why I want to, to get some of satisfaction in letting them know how I’m hurting. I want them to feel bad, to hurt as well, to feel what I’m feeling and more. Though I know that there’s no point. It would only bring me shallow shallow satisfaction. There wouldn’t be a point other than to hurt them, and I don’t want to do that. As much pain as I’m feeling, I still want us to be friends. I do, I really do. I’m just blocked behind a haze of loneliness and helplessness.

I hope this passes soon. It will pass, it has too. It really does have to at some point.

Had a crazy night last night, thought that I would share. Try to keep my mind on things that are better for me. A bunch of my friends and I went to play some magic in one of the campus buildings. We had the great idea to pause our game (we were playing free for all, I was playing a commander deck because I have nothing better with me) and smoke a jay. It was going to be super chill.

There’s construction going on in the building at the moment, so they have all these scaffolds setup, and we climbed up about six stories to reach the roof the building. We sorta just huddled around the chimney and smoked. It was really relaxing and chill, to bad we locked ourselves out.

See, they lock the main doors to the building at around 11:00, and we the five idiots we are didn’t think to leave a stopper in the door that we left through. Instead we let it shut on us, and ended up leaving all of my mate’s… stuff in plain view. Suffice it to say we’re idiots.

Didn’t end up in a shitstorm however, we all headed back and woke up at 8:15ish to go in when the building opened up. Our stuff was untouched and everything was there! So, at least things ended well after our idiot heads fucked us over.

But yeah. Things will get better. They have to.

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