Journal 0017

Two journal posts in one day! The world must be ending!

Had a long conversation with one of my friends about emotion and all that jazz. Not going to lie, had the conversation while I was pretty drunk. Just going to cover the main beats of the conversation that I can remember.

First, it’s okay to really experience what you’re feeling currently. No matter what you’re going to be hurting that you opened yourself up to another person and that person closed themselves towards you. However, the fact that you were able to do this, betrays your strength. Being able to trust someone, even though you feel betrayed, even though you feel lost means that you have some strength, you have some will. Life is all about cycles, be it with yourself, what happens around you, or the world, things happen in cycles. Just trying to keep everything within yourself and refusing to let yourself feel sadness, let yourself scream out to the world, doesn’t help you. It hinders you, you need to let yourself breakdown before you can move on, and when you find yourself past this, you will find yourself stronger for it.

Really hippie shit, I know,  but my friend describes themselves as a dirty hippy anyways, so who I am to judge. 😛

Next, no matter what they will be there for me. Now that’s a hard thing to swallow. But, thinking about it, it means a lot to me. It really does mean that I have friends who will stand by my side even as I fall apart, even as the world seems to want to shit on me. I have people that I can rely on. That’s so important,  it’s so crucial to have during this. I will get through this. I will not be the same person afterwards, but I will get through this. Stronger than tears, eh? I am stronger than tears. I will and I am shedding them, but I will get through this stronger than when I started.

Finally, about my cutting. It’s bad. I know this. I understand this. I don’t know if I’m going to stop, but I know I should. I should do something else, go for a walk, have a smoke, just I shouldn’t cut. I really shouldn’t. No matter how much it helps. I have not doubt that I will fail this goal. I’ve cut for most of my cognizant life. I have. That won’t leave me, but I can use it. I can make sure that no matter what, I remember the pain I’ve gone though and I can use it to my own advantage. I am not a victim to my habits. I control what I do, and should I choose to cut, that is my choice. Even though I know it is bad for me, even though I know it damages me more than it helps.

Cutting, drinking, smoking, they are all tools I have in my toolbelt to help me and strengthen me.  I will not, can not be caught unaware by my own habits. I will not stoop so low as I did before. I will live. No matter what, no matter where I find myself, I will live. I will not take my own life. I will go through what I am given with a smile on my face. That is who I am, that is who I always have been.

I might break, I might cry, I might fall, but I will get back up. My tears will dry, my scabs will heal. I will not stay down.

 

Never.

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