My friend and I had a long conversation last night while we were predrinking to go downtown. We talked about a lot of things.
I told them I’m cutting again. I did it because it feels good to get off my chest and to let someone know. I’ve only told two people besides them, and we’ll I feel comfortable with my choices.
We talked a lot about counselling and parents and how shitty the entire situation is. They’re also now on the long list of people who don’t understand why my ex-partner broke up with me. They told me that they used to look at the two of us when we were together and wish they’re relationship was more like ours. I don’t know, if it was that enviable than why did my ex-partner choose to give it up?
I just don’t know. I felt such a powerful connection with them, and I felt I could take on the entire world as long as they were by my side. To be shunned and tossed away by them is awful. I truly hope that like with most things these feelings will pass and that I’ll be able to look back on this and laugh at how melodramatic this all is. I just don’t know when that’ll be.
My friend also shared things and thoughts and fears they had. It might have been the drugs but they were talkative. I wish I could do something more for them. They’ve been a lifeline to me during this entire thing and I feel so undeserving. I wish I knew what to do, I wish I wasn’t hurting so much that I couldn’t think. I find myself trying to avoid moments when I’m alone because those are the times that my thoughts haunt me. I’ve been thinking about sharing this blog with someone, but I fear that I won’t be able to be as candid.
This is my last bastion of refuge that I have. I almost someone to find it so that I could have someone to talk to about this, but I know that them finding it would just open another can of worms. I almost want my ex-partner to find it. I want them to feel guilt and pain for what they’ve done to me. I want them to understand that they’ve lost something magical. I want them to rue this entire situation. I crave it.
I talked to my friend about this as well last night. They remarked how similar the two of us are, and how pretty and passive aggressive we are when hurt. I couldn’t deny it, the last time I saw my ex-partner on campus, I instantly lit up a cigarette, because I knew how much it bothered them. I wanted them to see how they’ve hurt me, even just with this.
I want to continue to be friends with everyone that we were friends with. I want to eclipse them, well not really. I just want them to be unable to forget about me. I want the satisfaction of next year, them asking to get back together, and shutting them down.
It’s petty, oh so petty; but hey! No one’s perfect.