Journal 0032

Happy New Year!

Well it just ticked over midnight where I am on New Year’s Eve, so it’s not really the new year yet. It will be in just less than two dozen hours, so not too much time till I’ll need to fall apart at the seams. I’m still tired of this all, I’m just so tired.

I want to be done with things.

I’m heading back to Guelph tomorrow. I am. I really don’t care what my parents say, it’s going to happen. No matter what, they’re going to help me head back – I know them, but I just feel bad.

This has been a rough December. I want a drink, and I want a smoke. I want to smoke so badly.

I bought a pack of smokes when I went out yesterday to my friends place. I smoked two of them, and now I really need more.

I went ahead and traded numbers with a girl I’ve been talking to on Tinder. They seem cool, shy and nerdy- but texting them is like pulling teeth. It’s a very one sided, me asking questions and making comments and them giving short replies.

They’ve been initiating conversation though, so it’s not like- I’m boring? I think? I don’t really know at this point, again I’m just so tired of this all.

Meh, been spending a lot of money on games recently, I guess it’s that time of year and I feel that I can blow through cash. Mergh. Whatever.

Gah, I’m in a bad mood, I need nicotine.

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It’s like a barb stuck on the back of your knee. You try to ignore it, to shake it. You know that there isn’t a point in pulling it. It would just hurt more coming out then it did going in, so you deal with it. You laugh about it, you point it out to your friends and make it a big joke.

Because if it’s a joke then it’s not real. It doesn’t matter, you can live with it.

You know it’s killing you.

You know that don’t you? That every time you ignore that barb it kills a part of you?

It’s going to be your end.

There’s no mistake. You won’t be the lucky person who doesn’t see anything because of it. It will haunt you and mean your end, this I promise. This I know. This I warn you of.

But you won’t care, you’re just going to smile and keep on doing what you’re doing. Regardless of what you really think inside. You’re just going to keep on doing what you’re doing, and there’s nothing that I, or you can do about it eh?

Journal 0031

I need a smoke. Like really badly. I keep thinking about them and I can’t seem to shake the thoughts from my head. It really does suck, like a lot.

I know at this point it’s not really because I miss them, but because I miss being in a relationship. I think at least. I try to act and think like I know what I’m feeling and why, but there are times when I’m not too sure. Those are the time I typically have a drink or smoke. Not so much right now.

I need to do something to make me feel better?

We’re going to make a con list. A con list about them.

Really petty and dumb I know, but like- it’s something to do.

  1. I don’t feel like I have to babysit someone when they’re not having a good time. When they weren’t having a good time, it was very much my job to find out why and ensure that they did, even though they didn’t feel the same way about me.
  2. They had me pay for things a lot, they said they felt bad and they did give me some money with my things after we broke up, but I guess- they did use me for a lot of things.
  3. They were an emotional time bomb that required time and effort to keep from going off at any point in time. Even though I tried my best they took things out on me.
  4. There were times where I didn’t feel loved. Looking back with what I know now, I guess those were times when I wasn’t loved. I felt alone even though I was trying to be open.
  5. I got shot down a lot for sex, their thoughts about it and what they felt comfortable with confused me. I didn’t know if they liked it, if they didn’t. If they were okay with it and how I was supposed to act or engage with them about it.
  6. They didn’t communicate with me as much as I would have liked. This could have been because of the way I acted but at the same time, I feel that I always acted open to talking.
  7. They didn’t love me anymore. e

I’m tired of this all, so fucking tired. So goddamn tired.

Journal 0030

I find it hard to post when I’m not in a bad mood. I guess that’s a blessing in disguise because it means that I’m in a good mood? 

I don’t really know. I’m just starting to finally feel that I’m winning the break up. 

Haha, it’s super petty of me, but a part me feels really good to know that.

I’m back in Guelph today. I’ve unpacked fully and am now sitting in my onsie watching anime. It’s pretty good right now. 

Not really much else to say. I think I’ll go more into stuff later.

Journal 0029

Exams are done, fuck knows how those went. Trying to move on with my life, I’m finding it hard. I keep thinking back and I know I shouldn’t be, and blah blah blah. I really just want a smoke, but I can’t because I’m at home, and it’s cold out and I feel trapped in this goddam house.

I want to go out and be somewhere with people…

I should message my friends, but I’ don’t want to be shot down and that’s terrifying to me. I need to message my ex-partner too that they need to change their FB profile picture. It’s STILL of the two of us and now it’s starting to really bother me.

I just don’t want to be stuck where I am currently.

I went out downtown the Friday after my last exam, and it was fun? I guess, I don’t know. I still really hate going downtown, I mean yeah I have fun I guess, but I’d much rather have a low-key evening watching a TV show and eating in then go out. Not that it matters as I’m alone now.

I’m so alone. So incredibly alone. There’s nothing I can do.

Whatever.

I want a drink. I want a smoke. I just do not want to be where I am right now.  It might be easier for me to go Guelph today. I might do that. Or I can just leave tomorrow around noon and catch the bus there. I might do that. I’m probably going to do that.

At least in Guelph I can make bad decisions.

Journal 0028

I play out a hundred different scenarios in my head in all I could have handled it. How things could maybe be different, but you know what? It doesn’t matter, even though there were so many ways that I could have handled it, I didn’t do any of those things.

The time has past, I can only move forward now. I’ve lost that chance forever.

There’s something endlessly sad and romantic about falling out of love with someone. It’s a journey that you have to take, forcing yourself to take each step forwards to where you feel that you’re going to be okay once more.

I’m making myself takes steps, but the walk feels so slow that I drag my feet.

I miss the times of nothing. I miss the relaxing days of doing nothing.

Those are gone now. I’ve only myself to work on now. I’ve only myself to keep up above the bleak waters of live. I have to struggle, I will struggle.

That’s really the only way that I can keep staying where I am.

I’m currently treading water. Staying where I am, I need to start moving. I need to do things to move forwards. I have to move forward, there’s really no other way to get myself out of this.

This has been a really rambly post.

Ah well, no one reads these anyways but myself.

Journal 0027

Sunday 7:20pm

Less than 24 hours till my next exam, and instead of studying I’m writing a journal post in the campus computer lab.

Great, I’m off to a fantastic start when it comes to passing this goddamn course.

It’s for Electrical Devices and it’s been a bitch in my side this entire year. I’ve been having trouble with it since the beginning and now with the breakup and the bronchitis my studying has basically been the least productive in the world.

The only silver lining I can see is that because I’m not at home I don’t want to end my own life.

Yay!

Monday 1:30pm

It’s the next day. I’m back in the lab trying to do some studying once more. I’ve actually got some work done so I don’t feel as terrible about how I’m going to do on this exam.

I’m sure I’ll still do shit and fail, but hey- maybe I won’t get a fat zero.

I woke up today feeling weird. I realizing that I need to move on. There’s nothing that holding onto these feelings will help. It also seems that they’re not happy with who they are at the moment. I don’t know what to do.

I’m torn. A part of me wants to help them. To be there for them, but the more logical part of me knows that I shouldn’t. That I should keep up the lines of no contact and wait for them to make the first move. If they want to have any kind of connection again, they’re going to have to make the effort.

I’ve said this before, haven’t I?

I’m simply reiterating the feelings I have while I’m not sad in order to try and make them feel more real. Then maybe they’ll actually stick and I won’t feel the paralyzing sadness that haunts me at night.

Who knows, a miracle could happen.

I’ve been trying to eat more recently.

To try and at least get one full meal into myself a day.

It’s really hard. I have no appetite and I can barely finish the things that I’ve been ordering to eat.

Once again, I’m just hit with how tired I am with everything. Everything doesn’t matter. Nothing matters.

I’m just so tired.

I’ll see about coming back to this later when I’m not in such a bad mood.

Monday 4:00pm

I’m back! Been doing some studying and went out to have a smoke so I’m in a better mood.

Been having a conversation on Reddit about breakups and how to fall out of love with someone. I’ts actually been really helpful to know that there are people who have  been in the same place as I have, and have managed to make it out.

They did say some ominous things about these feelings never really leaving, that they simply fade away into the back of your mind and that it’s simply emotional baggage. That’s kind of bullshit. I mean, I want to be done with this. I don’t want to feel anything from this, and hearing that I might still always feel something is scary as hell.

At the same time I’m reminded about what my friend said, and how the fact that I do feel something makes what I had with my ex-partner worth something.

It was worth something. There are good memories there. I don’t want to lose those.

I shouldn’t lose it.

Anyways, back to studying.