Journal 0019

Been a while, but still not as long as many of my hiatus has been. I’ve been using tumblr as a venting place for a while, and thought that I should take the time to collect my sad rambling.

Someone would miss me, right?

Would mean no exams.

If I had the guts.

There’s the break.

We’ll see, second times the charm?

I miss you, even though I know there’s no point in doing so. It’s not like there’s a chance of things going back.

And so and so. Those are just the text posts I made on tumblr, in a rather passive aggressive move(?), I don’t know. I was feeling down, and suicidal and I just missed them so much. The pain has mostly abated at this point. There’s a dull ache that’s getting easier and easier to ignore with every day and I hope that means I’m on my way to betterment. Isn’t that the silver lining of a break up? That you exit a better person than when you started? Or is that just something terrible romcoms and John Green novels have incepted into my mind? Either way, I believe in the power placebo, so maybe this will make me a better person. Even though all this breakup has done is make me question everything I’ve said and done.

I can’t seem to let go what next semester was supposed to be like. All the time in the world to spend time with them, the concerts that we were going to see, the things we were going to be able to do. Did they not want that? Could they not imagine that? It doesn’t matter, it really truly doesn’t. They’ve done the damage, and now it’s just time to recover from it. Which I have to do. I will not walk wounded for the rest of my goddam life.

Anywho, I’ve an exam to go write in about 45 minutes. I should probably get off my ass and head towards it, but I felt the urge to just get one more post out.

I want to talk to them too. Not confronting them, not about anything really. I just miss having someone to talk to. I worry for them. I hope that they have support. I hope that they find someone to support them. I hope they find what they want in life. I thought I knew what I wanted, I wanted them, but they didn’t want me.

Oh well. Until next time I get my heart ripped out, I guess. We’ll see how things move one from here.

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