Journal 0020

I made a show of giving back a bunch of small trinkets that they gave me when we were dating. I tried to make it seem that I didn’t want anything that reminded me of them. That was untrue. I mean, perhaps at the time that’s how I felt but now given more time I realize that just because of how things ended, it doesn’t completely negate the happiness that I felt when we were together. Sure, it makes me recontextualize, and question, and wonder, and ponder and dwell on these memories, but- can’t I still just blindly enjoy the memories?

That’s what I’ve realized. I’m allowed to still enjoy these memories, sure they hurt, they’re bittersweet, but they were still happy at the time and I can and will look back and smile at them. I won’t allow this to ruin the almost year I spent with them. Haha, not even a year. I’ve had numerous relationships at this point and not a single one has gone past a year.

But that’s besides the point. What’s more important is this realization that I’m allowed to still like the things that I like. I’m still allowed to be the same person I was. I’ve been hurt, but I finally feel that I’m starting to rebuild myself. I may not be necessarily stronger, but I do feel different.  Only time will tell if this a good different or a bad different, but I haven’t cut in a while. I haven’t smoked in a while (more because I’m sick rather than that I don’t want to, but hey! I’ll take it). I haven’t drunk (again, on antibiotics at the moment, sooooo can’t really do that either) in a while. I guess these are all good things?

I guess.

I’m not really sure anymore. That’s the thing I’m feeling the most now a days. I’m just not sure.

I’m just not sure anymore.

I don’t know if I want to kill myself. I don’t know if I want to live. I just don’t know. It’s a weird numb feeling, it’s kind of nice? After weeks of strong emotions, of bright bright spots in my life contrasted to the dark moments where I’ve wanted to take my own life, it’s rather nice to be in the middle here. Not sure of anything.

It’s also scary, I won’t deny that.

But, it’s better than not being able to function because of my emotions.

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