Journal 0021

I fell awful. Not as awful as before. The dull ache is no longer a cancerous parasite that is eating me alive, it’s a simple dull ache where I used to have an adoration for my partner.

I’ve been sorta social media stalking them, okay okay I know. I shouldn’t be, and that’s it not healthy at all, and that really all it’s doing is making me hurt more, but I can’t stop, okay?

They keep making these posts on tumblr that get me thinking how quickly they’re moving on. I mean they did break up with me, so it makes sense that they’re going to be on their feet already, but I just don’t like it.

It reopens that cavity in my chest, and the dull ache comes back full force. It’s again, no longer as strong as it once was, but it’s still there and I hate it. I hate it so much. It’s just awful.

I need to talk to someone about it. I don’t want to bug anyone though.

I feel like I’ve been this burden on my friends every since the breakup. I know logically that they don’t really mind, well they might, but they’re my friends and this is a part of friendship. Still, I don’t want to to be a burden. That’s always been one of my greatest fears. Being a burden. I’ve always been terrified of not being helpful, of being a load. It’s a big part of why I even learn the things I learn, I just want to be useful. I want someone to need me.

Haha, isn’t that pathetic?

The thing that fulfills me the most is being needed. I never really have thought about it too much, I guess I always knew, I’ve just never taken the time to analyse it. The night before an exam however, is not the ideal time to be doing some soul searching however.

It’s cool, I’ve spent years learning how to bottle thoughts and emotions.

This like everything goddamn thing that’s happened in the past three weeks will pass. Oh god, it’s only been three weeks.

I should message my friend and talk to them. That’ll help.

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