Journal 0023

Sooooooooooo, let’s just get down to brass tacks eh?

My ex-partner has blocked me on Tumblr. This is entertaining for a multitude of reasons, one that it took this long for it to occur, and two that something must have happened to spur this forwards. Though, something might not have. I no longer have any claim to even trying to conceive what goes on in their mind.

But yeah, oddly enough their Facebook profile picture continues to remain of the two of us. It’s really starting to bother me too. I’m almost tempted to reach out simply to ask them to change it, but- I don’t want to the be one the reach out again.

I’m officially done with trying to be civil/friends with them. I’m still more than happy to be friends with them, but for the sake of my own self-respect and mental scape, I cannot be the one to reach out again.

I’ve already tried. Again and again, and I will not be thrown away like trash again.

God.

That’s really what I felt like when they broke up with me. I felt like some sort of used piece of trash that they were done with and now didn’t want in their life. They are already moving on, which makes sense since I was nothing more than a flash in the pan for them.

I have all this unresolved anger, most of my guilt is resolved, and about… 85% of my sadness? I still feel a dull ache of loneliness, but I’m trying my best to shift that from wanting to be with them, to just wanting to be with anyone. It’s hard, but I think it’s actually working?

I had my first “this is how we would fall in love, and how our lives would be while we dated” fantasy about a random person. Which I can tell you, as a hopeless romantic (something I would never admit in person, but I will admit I am), means that I’m recovering. I still think about them though, and I am worried for them. They’ve never been in the best mental state, and I’m afraid of how they’re handling themselves. I do want to be there for them, I want someone to be there for them.

But- at the same time, I don’t? It’s so petty of me, so terrible and awful but, I’m glad they’re hurting. At least that means that what we had was slightly real eh?

I’ve been reading a lot about how to get over people and how to deal with breakups (the fact that the majority of the things I’ve found online fall into two non-helpful categories is great too, it’s either targeted towards not my sex, or simply “get over it” for my sex), and I’ve read a lot about how the fact that it hurts means that I had something real.

It means that I was able to open myself and give myself to someone, and that even though it didn’t end up the way I wanted it to, the fact that I could do that, the fact that I could trust someone so much is amazing.

That might have been paraphrased also from something one my friends told me a week or so ago. I’m not too sure, the drinking has definitely started to merge things together in my head.

On drinking, I probably shouldn’t be drinking as much as I have been? It’s probably not the greatest thing in the world for me, but at the same time I really can’t be bothered to care enough. If I’m going to stop anything for my health, it’s not going to be the drinking, but the smoking.

Oh yeah, have I mentioned that?

I smoke now! Like regularly. Yay. It’s so great.

It used to be just a stress thing, but now I just find myself craving them normally. Not that it really matters, because who the fuck cares? It’s my life, my body and if I want to ruin it, I will.

Deep down, I know that this is really just an extension of the self-harm. It really is, it’s a rather painless way to not only feel something but I know it’s hurting me and that feels good. The feels like something that I’m doing and that I therefore have control of, and that’s really just what I want. I want the ability to be in control of something. I’ve felt so powerless and out of control these past couple of weeks, being able to decided to do something, even if it’s harmful, feels good.

But yeah, enough of my sad rambling. 😛

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