Journal 0026

So this is the most posts I think I’ve ever gotten up in a day. It’s probably because I’m in a weird headspace right now.

I don’t know, just everything is starting to pile on and hit me at once. I come home to my empty room and I know that I don’t have anyone to talk to. I don’t have the option to talk to anyone, or to vent. I’m alone.

I don’t want to be alone.

I just don’t know how I’m not supposed to be alone.

I could hit up an IRC chat. Try to make some random conversation that way, at least then I won’t feel so alone.

I’m just so tired. I’m so tired of everything. Did I feel like this when we were dating? Was I just repressing all these emotions or are they just a symptom from this breakup. I don’t know. I just don’t know anymore.

I want to kill myself.

But I don’t at the same time. I know that I don’t, I know I won’t. I’ve tried already and I wasn’t able to do it. I’m in a terrible place right now.

I think back to that day, and I just- maybe I should’ve jumped? It wouldn’t have hurt. It would have been over. All of this would have been over. Why am I still around?

Why am I doing what I do everyday?

Why haven’t I ended it?

Me not being here wouldn’t make anything different.

I want to drop out.

I want to die.

I want to rip out my own spine and beat myself with it. I just don’t want to feel anything anymore.

Should I call one of those hotlines?

I’ve done that too.

They weren’t that helpful.

I need to talk to someone.

I know I should. Logically, there’s a part of me that’s giving solutions. Telling me things that would make me at least no focus on this. I should tell someone what I’ve been feeling, and maybe at least then I wouldn’t be so alone. I wouldn’t be trying to fight this off by myself.

I don’t know what to write anymore.

I’m going to drink.

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