So this is the most posts I think I’ve ever gotten up in a day. It’s probably because I’m in a weird headspace right now.
I don’t know, just everything is starting to pile on and hit me at once. I come home to my empty room and I know that I don’t have anyone to talk to. I don’t have the option to talk to anyone, or to vent. I’m alone.
I don’t want to be alone.
I just don’t know how I’m not supposed to be alone.
I could hit up an IRC chat. Try to make some random conversation that way, at least then I won’t feel so alone.
I’m just so tired. I’m so tired of everything. Did I feel like this when we were dating? Was I just repressing all these emotions or are they just a symptom from this breakup. I don’t know. I just don’t know anymore.
I want to kill myself.
But I don’t at the same time. I know that I don’t, I know I won’t. I’ve tried already and I wasn’t able to do it. I’m in a terrible place right now.
I think back to that day, and I just- maybe I should’ve jumped? It wouldn’t have hurt. It would have been over. All of this would have been over. Why am I still around?
Why am I doing what I do everyday?
Why haven’t I ended it?
Me not being here wouldn’t make anything different.
I want to drop out.
I want to die.
I want to rip out my own spine and beat myself with it. I just don’t want to feel anything anymore.
Should I call one of those hotlines?
I’ve done that too.
They weren’t that helpful.
I need to talk to someone.
I know I should. Logically, there’s a part of me that’s giving solutions. Telling me things that would make me at least no focus on this. I should tell someone what I’ve been feeling, and maybe at least then I wouldn’t be so alone. I wouldn’t be trying to fight this off by myself.
I don’t know what to write anymore.
I’m going to drink.