Journal 0027

Sunday 7:20pm

Less than 24 hours till my next exam, and instead of studying I’m writing a journal post in the campus computer lab.

Great, I’m off to a fantastic start when it comes to passing this goddamn course.

It’s for Electrical Devices and it’s been a bitch in my side this entire year. I’ve been having trouble with it since the beginning and now with the breakup and the bronchitis my studying has basically been the least productive in the world.

The only silver lining I can see is that because I’m not at home I don’t want to end my own life.

Yay!

Monday 1:30pm

It’s the next day. I’m back in the lab trying to do some studying once more. I’ve actually got some work done so I don’t feel as terrible about how I’m going to do on this exam.

I’m sure I’ll still do shit and fail, but hey- maybe I won’t get a fat zero.

I woke up today feeling weird. I realizing that I need to move on. There’s nothing that holding onto these feelings will help. It also seems that they’re not happy with who they are at the moment. I don’t know what to do.

I’m torn. A part of me wants to help them. To be there for them, but the more logical part of me knows that I shouldn’t. That I should keep up the lines of no contact and wait for them to make the first move. If they want to have any kind of connection again, they’re going to have to make the effort.

I’ve said this before, haven’t I?

I’m simply reiterating the feelings I have while I’m not sad in order to try and make them feel more real. Then maybe they’ll actually stick and I won’t feel the paralyzing sadness that haunts me at night.

Who knows, a miracle could happen.

I’ve been trying to eat more recently.

To try and at least get one full meal into myself a day.

It’s really hard. I have no appetite and I can barely finish the things that I’ve been ordering to eat.

Once again, I’m just hit with how tired I am with everything. Everything doesn’t matter. Nothing matters.

I’m just so tired.

I’ll see about coming back to this later when I’m not in such a bad mood.

Monday 4:00pm

I’m back! Been doing some studying and went out to have a smoke so I’m in a better mood.

Been having a conversation on Reddit about breakups and how to fall out of love with someone. I’ts actually been really helpful to know that there are people who have  been in the same place as I have, and have managed to make it out.

They did say some ominous things about these feelings never really leaving, that they simply fade away into the back of your mind and that it’s simply emotional baggage. That’s kind of bullshit. I mean, I want to be done with this. I don’t want to feel anything from this, and hearing that I might still always feel something is scary as hell.

At the same time I’m reminded about what my friend said, and how the fact that I do feel something makes what I had with my ex-partner worth something.

It was worth something. There are good memories there. I don’t want to lose those.

I shouldn’t lose it.

Anyways, back to studying.

 

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