Journal 0031

I need a smoke. Like really badly. I keep thinking about them and I can’t seem to shake the thoughts from my head. It really does suck, like a lot.

I know at this point it’s not really because I miss them, but because I miss being in a relationship. I think at least. I try to act and think like I know what I’m feeling and why, but there are times when I’m not too sure. Those are the time I typically have a drink or smoke. Not so much right now.

I need to do something to make me feel better?

We’re going to make a con list. A con list about them.

Really petty and dumb I know, but like- it’s something to do.

  1. I don’t feel like I have to babysit someone when they’re not having a good time. When they weren’t having a good time, it was very much my job to find out why and ensure that they did, even though they didn’t feel the same way about me.
  2. They had me pay for things a lot, they said they felt bad and they did give me some money with my things after we broke up, but I guess- they did use me for a lot of things.
  3. They were an emotional time bomb that required time and effort to keep from going off at any point in time. Even though I tried my best they took things out on me.
  4. There were times where I didn’t feel loved. Looking back with what I know now, I guess those were times when I wasn’t loved. I felt alone even though I was trying to be open.
  5. I got shot down a lot for sex, their thoughts about it and what they felt comfortable with confused me. I didn’t know if they liked it, if they didn’t. If they were okay with it and how I was supposed to act or engage with them about it.
  6. They didn’t communicate with me as much as I would have liked. This could have been because of the way I acted but at the same time, I feel that I always acted open to talking.
  7. They didn’t love me anymore. e

I’m tired of this all, so fucking tired. So goddamn tired.

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