I need a smoke. Like really badly. I keep thinking about them and I can’t seem to shake the thoughts from my head. It really does suck, like a lot.
I know at this point it’s not really because I miss them, but because I miss being in a relationship. I think at least. I try to act and think like I know what I’m feeling and why, but there are times when I’m not too sure. Those are the time I typically have a drink or smoke. Not so much right now.
I need to do something to make me feel better?
We’re going to make a con list. A con list about them.
Really petty and dumb I know, but like- it’s something to do.
- I don’t feel like I have to babysit someone when they’re not having a good time. When they weren’t having a good time, it was very much my job to find out why and ensure that they did, even though they didn’t feel the same way about me.
- They had me pay for things a lot, they said they felt bad and they did give me some money with my things after we broke up, but I guess- they did use me for a lot of things.
- They were an emotional time bomb that required time and effort to keep from going off at any point in time. Even though I tried my best they took things out on me.
- There were times where I didn’t feel loved. Looking back with what I know now, I guess those were times when I wasn’t loved. I felt alone even though I was trying to be open.
- I got shot down a lot for sex, their thoughts about it and what they felt comfortable with confused me. I didn’t know if they liked it, if they didn’t. If they were okay with it and how I was supposed to act or engage with them about it.
- They didn’t communicate with me as much as I would have liked. This could have been because of the way I acted but at the same time, I feel that I always acted open to talking.
- They didn’t love me anymore. e
I’m tired of this all, so fucking tired. So goddamn tired.