Journal 0039

I don’t feel like I’m drowning anymore, I just feel like I’ve already drowned.

I feel buried. I feel like I’ve been placed in a deep pit of cement and left to simply be numb for half the day and then vibrant and full of energy the other.

I pride myself in being able to understand why I feel things, at least that’s what I’ve told myself. I’ve tried to trick myself into being an introspective person when really the thing that terrifies me the most is my own thoughts. I don’t understand anything. I just think back to when I was younger- and I start to realize that I haven’t really grown at all. I’ve just- the exact same person deep down. I’ve not a bigger person, I haven’t grown.

I just hide behind the facade and patterns that I can copy from others. I realize now that- there’s something wrong with me socially. There is. The only reason I’m able to speak to other people in normal ways is that I’ve copied responses to common questions and actions from things I’ve seen. Anytime I actually react to something- anytime that my real feelings come to front and I’m left without a template to copy from I’m lost. No amount of self-discussion can give me the right words to say.

I have to fuck up. I have to fuck up over and over again before I’m able to learn. I’m a stupid person, I really am.

I’m so fucking stupid.

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