Okay, now this one should be a little more roleplaying and probably another combat encounter.
Been having trouble breathing for the past couple of days. Stress is starting to get to me.
Ugh- I hate everything.
My heart feels like it’s been running on overdrive since Monday and I haven’t been this nervous for something since I what feels like ages. I’m pretty sure that I’m going to explode.
If the stress does kill me, which it probably will-
I’ll just- I’ll just be dead.
Hey that doesn’t sound too bad now does it!
Well- the other shoe has finally dropped. Sponsors won’t be coming this year and has therefore left me without a job.
Had a minor anxiety attack while attempting to make dinner. Nothing too major, just grabbed a knife to open a package and felt a giant urge to cut. the sponsors pulling out have not been good for me. I didn’t. I didn’t cut I mean. With the knife.
I’m back to scratching myself with my fingernails, but in the long run that’s not terrible right? Right? Haha-
Sorta started to hyperventilate when I felt the urge to cut. It was so strong. It was like- it was like I was in high school again, in my room at four in the morning. I could hear my dad snoring in the room next to me. The entire world was just staring at me and I couldn’t breath. I couldn’t do anything. I dropped the knife on the table and laid down on on my stomach in the living room until I could breath again.
I think I did an okay job of smothering everything. My roommate didn’t say anything after he came down the stairs.
I bought ice cream before I heard the news, green tea, and it tasted good. So I guess they’re that.
Everyone from the event was super supportive. They said that I did my best, and that’s all they can ask for. But was it my best? Could they not have asked for more if I wasn’t just fucking mess of a human being? If I wasn’t just a waste of fucking space.
I feel terrible. I haven’t felt this lost and alone- since November, and even then this is too much like high school. This is too much like disappointing my parents. I can hear them, they’re not angry just sad. They don’t understand where they went wrong, neither do I. They’re blaming themselves, it’s not their fault. It’s mine. Everything bad that’s ever happened to me is because of me. Everything.
I’m nothing more than a fucking failure and I’m sick of everything. I’m so tired. I haven’t been not tired in so long. I just want to stop being tired. I just want everything to stop. I wish I hadn’t chickened out all those years ago.
I’m being ridiculous.
Everyone understands. No one cares. They never do. You’re a fuckup, and I’m sure they already knew that. You’re not surprising anyone. Everyone who stays without you, knows that you’re a piece of garbage. Everyone else leaves. I deserve this.
Calm. I’m calm.
I’m not stupid. That I’m not. I know I’m smart. That’s the one thing I can hold onto really- that I have even a tiny bit of intelligence.
Let’s be honest. Just I haven’t been honest in a while.
The suicidal thoughts are back. They’ve always been there, just quieter. Now they’re loud again. The urge to cut is back. That’s been back since November. I’ve been smoking instead, that and drinking. It makes the want stop, until it comes back. I’m probably autistic,- I know, left field- but we’re being honest. It explains a lot of things. It explains my school life as well in elementary and middle school. It explains- a lot. So much. The only reason I’m where I am now- is because I’ve been carried here. I don’t have the strength to carry myself anywhere.
I don’t. I’m only here because of other people wanting me to.
I would have just given up long ago was it not for other people. Not that, it really matters. The people who want me to succeed- want me to exist just keep changing. They all give up on me eventually. Wow- I have abandonment issues.
I’ve had those since forever though- since I was a kid. I guess even since then I just expected that no one would want me.
I’ve calmed down enough to finish this sad rambling. We’re fine. We’ve always been fine. I haven’t killed myself yet- so- as far as I’ve been alive I’ve been fine.
Okay- this time we’re actually going to go into a combat encounter. I promise.
So- my life is in fucking shambles. I say this- but well I guess relativity it’s not. It just really fucking feels like it.
Planning for the convention has been going soooooo great. I say this with most sarcasm and venom that one could have when speaking about anything. The world seems to be conspiring to ensure that I have the most stressful of times.
I can feel my hair turning white and I want to scream and rip out my own arm to beat myself to death with.
For fuck’s sake.
That’s my life.
So, here we go. There’s going to a lot of plot and roleplaying in this session, which will hopefully be topped off with an encounter. Probably going to go a little off the rails here, as we’re going to see if we can’t recruit some CCs, as well as get some more equipment.