Journal 0041

Well- the other shoe has finally dropped. Sponsors won’t be coming this year and has therefore left me without a job.

Had a minor anxiety attack while attempting to make dinner. Nothing too major, just grabbed a knife to open a package and felt a giant urge to cut. the sponsors pulling out have not been good for me. I didn’t. I didn’t cut I mean. With the knife.

I’m back to scratching myself with my fingernails, but in the long run that’s not terrible right? Right? Haha-

Sorta started to hyperventilate when I felt the urge to cut. It was so strong. It was like- it was like I was in high school again, in my room at four in the morning. I could hear my dad snoring in the room next to me. The entire world was just staring at me and I couldn’t breath. I couldn’t do anything. I dropped the knife on the table and laid down on on my stomach in the living room until I could breath again.

I think I did an okay job of smothering everything. My roommate didn’t say anything after he came down the stairs.

I bought ice cream before I heard the news, green tea, and it tasted good. So I guess they’re that.

Everyone from the event was super supportive. They said that I did my best, and that’s all they can ask for. But was it my best? Could they not have asked for more if I wasn’t just fucking mess of a human being? If I wasn’t just a waste of fucking space.

I feel terrible. I haven’t felt this lost and alone- since November, and even then this is too much like high school. This is too much like disappointing my parents. I can hear them, they’re not angry just sad. They don’t understand where they went wrong, neither do I. They’re blaming themselves, it’s not their fault. It’s mine. Everything bad that’s ever happened to me is because of me. Everything.

I’m nothing more than a fucking failure and I’m sick of everything. I’m so tired. I haven’t been not tired in so long. I just want to stop being tired. I just want everything to stop. I wish I hadn’t chickened out all those years ago.

I’m being ridiculous.

It’s fine.

Everyone understands. No one cares. They never do. You’re a fuckup, and I’m sure they already knew that. You’re not surprising anyone. Everyone who stays without you, knows that you’re a piece of garbage. Everyone else leaves. I deserve this.

Calm. I’m calm.

I’m not stupid. That I’m not. I know I’m smart. That’s the one thing I can hold onto really- that I have even a tiny bit of intelligence.

Let’s be honest. Just I haven’t been honest in a while.

The suicidal thoughts are back. They’ve always been there, just quieter. Now they’re loud again. The urge to cut is back. That’s been back since November. I’ve been smoking instead, that and drinking. It makes the want stop, until it comes back. I’m probably autistic,- I know, left field- but we’re being honest. It explains a lot of things. It explains my school life as well in elementary and middle school. It explains- a lot. So much. The only reason I’m where I am now- is because I’ve been carried here. I don’t have the strength to carry myself anywhere.

I don’t. I’m only here because of other people wanting me to.

I would have just given up long ago was it not for other people. Not that, it really matters. The people who want me to succeed- want me to exist just keep changing. They all give up on me eventually. Wow- I have abandonment issues.

I’ve had those since forever though- since I was a kid. I guess even since then I just expected that no one would want me.

Enough.

I’ve calmed down enough to finish this sad rambling. We’re fine. We’ve always been fine. I haven’t killed myself yet- so- as far as I’ve been alive I’ve been fine.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s