Journal 0046

EDIT: Made this into a journal post, because it’s more akin to that than a lot of my other ramblings have been.

Falling into old habits again. Fucked my sleep schedule by not doing anything today. Took some allergy medication to make me drowsy, luckily that’s working so I’ll be up tomorrow at a human time. Doesn’t stop my chest from feeling like it’s going to explode though.

Drowning, breath got in my throat. Unable to breath. Kicking my legs in what feels like air, while water engulfs my face. Not even a piece of driftwood to save me. No one to save me.

Got to carry myself. Got to save myself. I’ve got to preserve my own life, from myself.

I need to do something to make myself feel better about myself. Not just this half assed existence that I call living.

I just- I just want to leave everything behind. I’m so tired, and so spent. I can’t keep doing what I’m doing. I can’t just keep pretending that I’m fine, that I’m okay- that I’ll be able to keep breathing and to keep treading water when I’m obviously going to drown.

I can’t keep doing this.

The idea of taking my own life persists in my mind now more than it used to. It’s a thought that haunts me, that’s found it’s way deep into my psyche and refuses to leave. Why- why am I still here.

I’m only here still to suffer, to power though my everyday and to- do nothing. I’m doing nothing with my life. Nothing with anything. I’ll be here, doing nothing for the rest of my life.

Until- i break. Until, I finally summon the courage to throw myself in front of that train. Or off that bridge, or to being that razor across my arm.

Sorry- down my arm. Across won’t kill me- down will. And down is the direction I’m heading to.

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