Journal 0051

I reread all of Nisekoi today, or just now. It’s 3 in the morning right now and I’m in a weird place.

The series has a weird place in my heart. It’s like a lot of other manga series that I just couldn’t imagine ending. Series like Magi, Fullmetal Alchemist, The World God Only Knows, and even Naruto and Bleach.

Nisekoi though, I- I the all the romance was reflective to read. Especially the last volumes, where each girl got a chance to comfort their feelings and to embrace letting go.

I guess it’s taken a really long time for me to get to this point.

I think I’m ready to fall in love again. I don’t know when, or with whom, but- it’s nice to think about.

I want to have my heart full again with some else. I want to feel that warmth that comes from looking at someone I love.

My neice was born today as well, I guess that’s part of it. It’s weird, it really doesn’t mean anything to me at all. Like logically it doesn’t change my life at all, but it’s a nice feeling.

I want to have that in my life at some point. I want kids, I want a family, I want happiness.

I need to put my heart into my actions and to act on the things I want.

It all feels so far away, but it’s what I want. With all my heart.

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Warm bubbling from below the heart, fills the body and soul.

Without a clouded thought in my head, or perhaps with only misty visions,

I think myself happy.

Mayhap, my own thoughts tainted by drink, unknown to my true self, are the only thoughts I should keep.

They feel real, so why not believe in them.

Even if my daily life is tainted by less than happy beliefs, I choose to believe my current mind.

The drink bringing me feelings that my own sober mine can only question.

I am who I am, the world can only hold my thoughts back when I am not in touch with it.

Is there a truer me than that set free by the temptations of the world?

I think not.

I think the real world I fear is but an illusion built from years of doubt.

The world I see now is what truly lies.

If the lie is so sweet, why fight it?

To fight it, is to offer the chance of loss. To make rely accept is to only have victory.

Journal 0050

The big 50!

Been a while since I’ve made a post, which I guess means that I’ve been doing well eh?

Let’s see… Yesterday was Valentine’s so I spent the day going to class and eating ice cream. Roommate and I found some cheap rib eyes at the grocery store so we marinated then in this really good bbq sauce that he got at an artisan fair.

Did that the day before yesterday, and then we brish d the mountain of snow off our bbq and tossed them on. They came out pretty much fucking perfect and were amazing.

Did end up third wheeling my roommate and his girlfriend, but that’s pretty much my day to day now.

They’re moving to a new place come end of the semester, with another couple of our friends but I’ve been told I’m there Joey, sooo it’s assumed I’ll be over a lot.

Fingers crossed that I can find a job I’m the city, but I had a pretty good interview today, so Im not horribly worried?

Meh, just feeling a little more optimistic than usual. Of course the company the job is for is a little, what’s the word…. Horrible. Yeah that one. I’m sure they’ll pay well and such but… Well they’ve gained a lot of controversy in the past couple of months.

Oh well, fingers are still crossed!