From the little black book,

What am I doing? My life is filled with bright vibrant days.

Warm light filters through a forgotten skylight.

Hope tingles in my chest somedays.

I think, I feel, I believe that a better day is awaiting me.

Yet, that same old grasp pulls at my heart.

Why am I still treading towards that day, when so often it feels like a dream.

I only breath, because it’s all I’ve known.

The alternative not sought, through fear rather than hope.

What is living, than not dying?

Is that all that there is?

Optimism suits me not. I am but a product of my upbringing.

Lost, and only helplessly waiting to be found.

What else could I be?

I raise my glass to unknown days, hoping to reach unknown shining shores.

My ship beat by the waves of the ocean, so battered that even I cannot recongnize it.

My thoughts like weights which only bring forth the depths to the shore.

A rocky mess hidden behing bright warm days.

I know not, what I am seeking. Yet my sails falter not, even as I shake at the helm.

Forget myself in stories, for I cannot hut in another’s shoes.

This is the only path that I can tred.

Lies trail across my chest, my arms and my legs. My scars marking me for all to see.

I know not why I still keeping pushing forwards.

All I know is what I know.

What am I doing, but, living.

Living and lieing.

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Journal 0052

So, about a month ago now my sister gave birth to an adorable little bundle that is known as my niece. While she is a gorgeous little bundle of joy, she did have the unfortunate effect of being born to millennial parents and therefore has a little bit of a stupid name.

I won’t say it for fear of this somehow being traced back to who I actually am IRL (odds of that are hopefully super low, but there is a breadcrumb trail now that I think about that you could use if you knew me in real life, and some of my actual habits or been one of the few people whose seen my little black book of poetry than…) but I digress, that’s unimportant to the fact that my big sister is now a mom.

I’m also an uncle, but like in the tiers of life-changing events that involve new family members, I feel like uncle means the smallest real change in my life? Like it’s not like I suddenly have real responsibilities, especially because my sister is a decade older than I am, so I’m still a tiny baby compared to her and everyone else in her life. Aside, from like… her actual baby I guess.

But yeah- it got me thinking about my sister and my relationship with her. It was only a couple of years ago that I read a speech at her wedding that got great responses to, because- to be modest- I’m a fantastic public speaker. It’s pretty much the one thing that I would say I can confidently and without self-deprecation say that I nail.

But again, I digress, my relationship with my sister is more akin to that of a third younger parent- she did a lot of the heavy lifting when it came to raising me to become a functioning grown human being and my entire personality- writing style, and hobbies all really stem from her. She’s such a giant when it comes to my life that I honestly would have no doubt without her in my life I would be lost.

So- I basically want to just commit to the paper…binary? Code? Meh- whatever. I just want to talk about and gush about some of the great memories I have with her.

I remember that when I was still in high school and she was living with us still at my parents, every long weekend we would find a game and rent it out, and she would watch me play through it. It worked really well for the Uncharted series and is the main reason why I have so much love for those games (though my lack of a PS4 means I’ve missed out on the fourth game and the spinoff game, I did actually play some of the Vita game- mostly because I borrowed a Vita from a friend back in the day). We played through the first three games that way- and every second of it was a blast- from start to finish.

I also can’t count the hours that we spent watching anime together, the main reason I’m even a fan of anime is my sister’s fault, she’s the one who infected me and also made it so that I was magnitudes above all of my co-anime nerds in true nerdiness. I stand by my gatekeeping in that you are not a die-hard hardcore giant nerd of the medium if you do not try and watch most of the series that comes out every season. You can be a huge fan of a certain series, but you’re just not a huge fan of the medium if you’re missing out on most of it. It’s like a movie fan who would only watch what one director puts out- you’re not a diehard fan of the medium you’re a huge fan one series. AGAIN, I digress, we would watch entire series from beginning to end and she basically taught me how to binge a show.

My sister is a fantastic person- and well- there’s more I want to write but I realize now that this will just end being just me puking words down as I think them and well- I don’t really need to write this all down to have the reflection of memories that I wanted. I’ve already had that just thinking about writing this piece, and the act of putting it all down to paper, code, whatever, would take longer than I want so- fuck that.