Journal 0038

Ended up going to bed at like 9:30pm last night… Didn’t really have anything to do, so I went to bed. It was nice though because at like 7:30 my roommate knocked on my door to make sure that I had woken up.

Apparently I had just left my door open and fallen unconscious, so he was concerned that I hadn’t plugged my phone in and would have just slept the day away. Which was true, because I woke up at four in the morning and then saw that my phone was dead. I plugged it in, but- if I hadn’t then I would have most definitely been super late to work.

But yeah- super nice thing that my roommate did.

Makes me feel far less alone in the world, which is good!

Journal 0037

Had people over last Friday and we drank and hung out. It was fun, ended up being more of a faff then I would have liked but it was still fun to see everyone one again.

I realize that I’m starting to take a back seat in my friend group, it’s sad but- it’s also something that I knew was going to happen. I still have my friend crew so it’s not like I’m totally lost of friends, but it’s just a shame that I won’t have the same connection with my other friends anymore.

I’m still really good friends with one of them though- the others… not so much anymore.

Anyways, before they came over my roommates and I decided to play the tinder drinking game for a bit. It’s a super shallow game (but you know, so is tinder in general) where you go through tinder and drink based on people’s profiles. We ended up pretty drunk while playing, and we also got quite a few matches? We used my account to play, as one of my roommates is dating and the other is… well- he’s unique to say the least.

But yeah- actually got quite a few responses, mostly I think because of it being a Friday night and we almost actually pulled someone. I say that but there’s no doubt that they were simply trolling us- but still the adventure of it is amazing. It’s definitely a game that we’ll play again in the future, because of just how crazy it ended up being.

Hrm- what else has happened. I went rock climbing with one of my friends yesterday. My arms really hurt from it, and it was a lot of work but it was really fun. We got food before we went and I got to meet a bunch of their roommates which was cool. After that we dropped off someone to the school and then went to the Grotto. We climbed for about an hour, before tiring out so we went to Food Basics and bought a bunch of ice cream.

Headed back to my place and ate it and it was amazing.

My crew is meeting up again this Friday to have our annual Friendsmas celebration. It’s quite late but- you know- whatever. 😛

Anyways, that’s really all that deserves to be written about.

Journal 0036

What are we talking about?

Let’s just talk about what’s been going on in my life for the past couple days.

Ended up going downtown again last Friday. Had a really good time with my two friends who have the same name. Well more accurately, my one friend and her friend with the same name as them. Was pleasantly drunk as well as other things that night, and overall it was just a good night. We hit up a dive bar called Franks and I spent far too much money (looking back now) on drinks, (of course at the time it seemed like the perfect amount to be spending).

Had an interesting uber driver as well. It was someone who had drove me in the past and recognized me. At least I think I had them in the past, that or it was someone who knew me in real life- which is a sobering thought that I just had… Hopefully not- though to be fair, me going home with two girls does seem like a pretty good looking situation on my end?

Other than that… hung out with my roommates and a few of my mates during the actual weekend. I say that, what I mean is that I spent most of Saturday sleeping, and then I watched the game with them on Sunday, and that leads to today? I sure there were other things that happened before my last journal post but I can’t remember them (as my memory is shit), so who cares?

Ah, there was an interesting moment on Friday!

My friend gave me a CD they had been holding onto that I had bought my ex-partner before we broke up. In my drunken/high haze I broke the piece of shit in two and chucked it. It was oddly- nothing. There wasn’t this satisfaction or even a sadness for wasting money on it. Just- nothing. I’m glad I did it though? I think? I certainly wasn’t going to keep it, and I had already given the band the money for it (which is good, because I like the band). So breaking it was more of- symbolic kind of thing than anything? It just felt right to do- but it just didn’t do anything for me.

I don’t know what I want anymore. That’s a difficult thing to wrap my head around. I’ve always thought that I knew what I wanted. Well that’s not true, I don’t think I’ve ever really known what I want to do with my life, but I thought the small things- like my actions- were things that I knew why I was doing them. That I knew what I wanted when I did things.

I mean- I don’t know what I mean. I’m still tired all the time, that’s something that hasn’t changed. That’s comforting. I guess?

Whatevers. It really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things anyways. I’m still stuck here doing what I’ve always been doing, trying to figure out what tiny excuse I have for not killing myself. Be it a new game that I want to try, be it my family who I don’t want to hurt, be it the fear of actually killing myself and not knowing what comes afterwards, if just nothing or if there actually is something waiting for those that leave the mortal coil. It’s mostly the game thing though. I’m only alive because of the stories that I haven’t had a chance to experience yet.

I hate living where and when I am. In this world, where the mundane seeps though into everything. I hate it. I wish I didn’t have the will or energy to think about it. I wish that I had bigger concerns than pondering about the uselessness of life. I don’t though- because of my upbringing and because of the privileges that I was born with I will always have the chance to wax poetic about my life and wonder about where I’m from and where I’ve come from. I will always be able to wonder about where I’m going and what choices have taken me there. I will always dread my existence and everything that relates to it.

It’s why I drink and smoke and more. It’s why I read, why I play video games, why I watch TV. It’s because I don’t like reality. My ex-partner used to mention a lot things didn’t feel real to them. That’s something I never understood. It’s something I still don’t understand. I mean- of course it’s real. If it wasn’t real why would I be suffering? There is nothing more real than pain, of any kind. There is nothing that proves to me that I am alive, more than the fact that it hurts to live. It hurts to simply exist. How could that not be real? I mean- what kind of question even is that. Of course this is real- if it wasn’t- what else is there?

I’m a deeply flawed person. Deeply. Doesn’t that make me real?

Journal 0035

Going out on a date tonight at 6:30 with the tinder girl again- should probably actually give her a different name for the sake of blog posts…

Meh, depending on how this date goes I’ll figure something out.

At work right now… done for the day and don’t really have anything left to do. Going to be going home soon and well I am looking forward to that.

I have to shower, shave, change clothes and then get myself downtown- ugh. This is going to be a tiring evening. I’m still fighting off a cold so I’m still feeling pretty tired. The lack of coffee also does not help.

I’ll see about drinking a monster or something when I get home, have to bring the super charming game back tonight- yayyyyy.

Everything about dates just feels fake to me now, which I understand is just a byproduct of my current situation. She’s a really nice girl and I really do want to show them a good time at the very least. I mean, if I can make someone smile who normally wouldn’t have had the chance? (Well, that’s a bit… too much?) More along the lines if I get the chance to make someone smile, it means that personally I’m happy?

I guess?

I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore-

Well that’s not true, I do know that the new Power Rangers movie is going to be something I see at least three times in theaters.

Okay, so I know one thing.

😛

Journal 0034

A real journal post about what’s been going in my life- something I haven’t done in a while now that I think about it. Well, what’s been going on…?

I start work tomorrow, going to be heading into the office at the bright and early hour of eight and I’m quite concerned about if I’m going to be able to wake up for that. Fingers crossed that I’m not late for my first day, as that would be a terrible impression to make.

Aside from that… uh- I went on a tinder date last week with the girl that I’ve been chatting with for a while. It went… well I think? Haha, not terribly sure- but she seemed cool. I didn’t really feel… a connection there, but I’m probably going to ask them out again because I’m terrified of being alone. I don’t think it’ll turn into anything. I’m- I’m not ready for anything yet. I need to be okay with being alone first before I date someone for real again. I don’t trust myself in jumping to another relationship. I’ve once again realized how fragile my mental scape is, and I need to work to fix this before I do anything else.

I’m petty, I’m mean, I’m really an awful person. I need to work on myself. I really do. That’s what this all is a chance for really, it’s a chance for me to become a better person. Which I will, I mean I’m already starting at fucking rock bottom, so the only way to go is up eh?

I’m a terrible terrible person. I’m going to go have a smoke and then comeback to this.


And back-

There hasn’t really been much else. I’ve been hanging out with my roommates a lot (as well, I actually know my current roommates) and it’s been fun. It’s nice to be living with people I consider friends again.

Yeah, nothing really else to say.

Journal 0033

Let’s open Pandora’s box! Well, not actually of course as the true Pandora’s box in my life would be far darker and not nearly as fun to poke fun at (or would it?), but let’s look at some of my “journal” posts that I wrote when I was younger!

Now, I say “journal”, because when I was younger my dad made (one of his many) attempts to make me a smarter and more well-rounded person, by forcing me to write at least one hundred words every week, this eventually grew to writing over a thousand words and was pretty much the only stable homework that I really had to do as a child.

Let’s start with the first one I can find on my hard drive. It’s dated Tuesday, June 9th 2009.

Yesterday I started to ride my bike to school. Riding my bike to school is an exciting thing to add to my commute to school and back. There are many good things and many bad things that came along with riding my bike to school. Good things were that I got to ride my bike to school and I also get to leave at eight o’clock and not being late because of traffic, its odd because riding my bike is faster than being driven to school. Bad thing that came with riding my bike to school are that I have to go home at three ten or else I will not be allowed to ride to school anymore. Riding to school is really calming and I love the feeling of riding though the cold air and being able to choose when I want to leave. Riding to school is a great thing and I love it.

Dear sweet god. Well… it’s very easy to see that this was written seven years ago when I was 13. Aside from my general lack of… deeper thought, looking at this just hurts me. Haha, there isn’t really anything here to dive into, so let’s just keep going until we find something more juicy.

This one is titled, “Happy Birthday Mom” and is dated 03/22/2010. A little bit farther in the future compared to the last one.

Happy Birthday Mom!

My mom is an amazing and wonderful person because my mom does so many wonderful and amazing things for our family. She cooks all of our meals even when she’s really tired after work, makes sure that everyone in the morning wakes up on time, always asks if I’ve forgotten to bring something to school, and if I ever really get sick or hurt she’s always there to look after me. Even if sometimes I think she’s annoying I love my mom for all of the reason above and more!

I have hundreds of fun stories all about great times the two of us have shared together. One of my earliest and favorite memories of my mother is when I think, I’m 6 or 7 years old and my mother and I were late for a plane so we were running at top speed towards the plane. We nearly crashed into a flight attendant and just barley made it into the plane. This is a treasured memory because even if it wasn’t supposed to be it was a great fun time and reminds me just how much fun she can be.

For her upcoming birthday, I hope to show her just how much I love her. For a present I hope to actually give some physical object this year (instead of a chore coupon book), a great present to give her would be something useful that will help her with cooking or cleaning. A present that will make her relax after a hard day of work, something to lessen the workload she has everyday. I should also change my lifestyle in order to help my mom and the rest of my family.

No matter what I’m talking about she will always listen to me. My mom will always ask what I’m doing; she will always give me company and ask if I want some one to hang out with. She asks if I’m bored and she always has my best wishes at heart. When the weather is nice she engorges me to go outside and when the weather’s bad not to. She has shaped me into who I am and who I aspire to become. My mom will always talk, listen or play with me.

There are some things that I do that I know just make my mom more tired. I tend to throw my dirty clothing on my bed floor which my mom has to pick-up, I leave many thing in my pockets, I don’t pay enough attention to her, and I can be really cold and uncaring at times. I know that these things are annoying to her and try to stop them, but trying is not good enough; I will work twice as hard to correct these self flaws and not get her anymore tired than she needs to be.

In all of my life (that’s 13 years) I knew my mom was a special and wonderful person. She looks out for me, worries for me and makes sure that at all times I am safe and sound. She takes interest into what I’m doing or what I’m talking about and keeps me company and conversation even after a long day of work. I will never stop loving my mom because of all the amazing and wonderful things she dose and is.

This must have been after my dad increased my word count from 100 words to 500 as I can’t fathom another reason for my rambling. That or my mom was the one who was going to read my journal this week and I was trying to suck up a lot. Side note would be that I don’t recall actually getting my mother anything aside from a cheap chore book when I was 13. I probably just piggybacked off of my sister and claimed the gift was from both of us…

Okay, one last one, this one I think will have more to make fun of. Titled, “One Common Characteristic in Pop Songs”, and dated 02/20/2011. I remember writing this, and at the time I so strongly felt what I was writing, and looking back I can only shake my head at how young and stupid I was.

One Common Characteristic in Pop Songs

In almost all the pop songs I have ever listened to in my entire life, they all seem to deal with the one stupid nonsensical topic of a certain four-letter L word. Yes you guessed it love, why love? Sure it seems to be a perfectly fine topic for people that have already felt it and gone past it, but for young people like Justin Bieber to be singing about such an adult broad topic like love? It makes no sense and it only takes away from the otherwise okay music. I mean even adults in their twenties or even thirties may not feel actual romantic love. It happens so rarely and usually too much older people than sixteen or fourteen year olds. I myself being fourteen would rather just play video games than find “love”. To add to this they all sing/talk like they have not only been through true love but that this “love” has hurt them to such a degree that they felt like there is no reason to continue there live. Really? In your entire maybe what sixteen years of life you have had your heart broken more than once, and you honestly think that I am going to beilebe this crap. The next time you listen to a song and you hear some fourteen or sixteen year-old child singing about love, ignore it, listen to the song and if the song is good well then it can be excused, although if the song is bad, feel free to rant and if you end in an argument with someone about the song bring this up.

There you have it, 14 year old me, being the super thoughtful and deep person I was, ranting about how pop songs were about love. This was written of course in at a time where I never felt romantic love or understood why people become so infatuated with it. Looking back at my other posts, one should easily understand that my feelings on how people haven’t felt romantic love have changed. Though- I guess my point on how most teenagers haven’t felt stands? Actually rereading this, and looking back- it fills me with this hope. This hope that I’m just another misled young person, who’s felt strong feelings and doesn’t quite really know the entire story about what love could be.

I mean- I am only 20. That’s really nothing in the grand scheme of things. As much as I hate to think it I will probably be around for another twenty years, and then another, and then who knows. A couple great heartbreaks in my first twenty years isn’t that bad. A whole giant mass of great memories outweighs the bad. I can’t focus on the bad- well I can, I just shouldn’t. It does me nothing to dwell on them. It does me everything to remember the good times, the times where I felt happiest and to work my hardest to find those moments again in life.

I can only learn from my mistakes, and ensure that I’m a better person. That’s really all I can do.

Journal 0032

Happy New Year!

Well it just ticked over midnight where I am on New Year’s Eve, so it’s not really the new year yet. It will be in just less than two dozen hours, so not too much time till I’ll need to fall apart at the seams. I’m still tired of this all, I’m just so tired.

I want to be done with things.

I’m heading back to Guelph tomorrow. I am. I really don’t care what my parents say, it’s going to happen. No matter what, they’re going to help me head back – I know them, but I just feel bad.

This has been a rough December. I want a drink, and I want a smoke. I want to smoke so badly.

I bought a pack of smokes when I went out yesterday to my friends place. I smoked two of them, and now I really need more.

I went ahead and traded numbers with a girl I’ve been talking to on Tinder. They seem cool, shy and nerdy- but texting them is like pulling teeth. It’s a very one sided, me asking questions and making comments and them giving short replies.

They’ve been initiating conversation though, so it’s not like- I’m boring? I think? I don’t really know at this point, again I’m just so tired of this all.

Meh, been spending a lot of money on games recently, I guess it’s that time of year and I feel that I can blow through cash. Mergh. Whatever.

Gah, I’m in a bad mood, I need nicotine.