Journal 0052

So, about a month ago now my sister gave birth to an adorable little bundle that is known as my niece. While she is a gorgeous little bundle of joy, she did have the unfortunate effect of being born to millennial parents and therefore has a little bit of a stupid name.

I won’t say it for fear of this somehow being traced back to who I actually am IRL (odds of that are hopefully super low, but there is a breadcrumb trail now that I think about that you could use if you knew me in real life, and some of my actual habits or been one of the few people whose seen my little black book of poetry than…) but I digress, that’s unimportant to the fact that my big sister is now a mom.

I’m also an uncle, but like in the tiers of life-changing events that involve new family members, I feel like uncle means the smallest real change in my life? Like it’s not like I suddenly have real responsibilities, especially because my sister is a decade older than I am, so I’m still a tiny baby compared to her and everyone else in her life. Aside, from like… her actual baby I guess.

But yeah- it got me thinking about my sister and my relationship with her. It was only a couple of years ago that I read a speech at her wedding that got great responses to, because- to be modest- I’m a fantastic public speaker. It’s pretty much the one thing that I would say I can confidently and without self-deprecation say that I nail.

But again, I digress, my relationship with my sister is more akin to that of a third younger parent- she did a lot of the heavy lifting when it came to raising me to become a functioning grown human being and my entire personality- writing style, and hobbies all really stem from her. She’s such a giant when it comes to my life that I honestly would have no doubt without her in my life I would be lost.

So- I basically want to just commit to the paper…binary? Code? Meh- whatever. I just want to talk about and gush about some of the great memories I have with her.

I remember that when I was still in high school and she was living with us still at my parents, every long weekend we would find a game and rent it out, and she would watch me play through it. It worked really well for the Uncharted series and is the main reason why I have so much love for those games (though my lack of a PS4 means I’ve missed out on the fourth game and the spinoff game, I did actually play some of the Vita game- mostly because I borrowed a Vita from a friend back in the day). We played through the first three games that way- and every second of it was a blast- from start to finish.

I also can’t count the hours that we spent watching anime together, the main reason I’m even a fan of anime is my sister’s fault, she’s the one who infected me and also made it so that I was magnitudes above all of my co-anime nerds in true nerdiness. I stand by my gatekeeping in that you are not a die-hard hardcore giant nerd of the medium if you do not try and watch most of the series that comes out every season. You can be a huge fan of a certain series, but you’re just not a huge fan of the medium if you’re missing out on most of it. It’s like a movie fan who would only watch what one director puts out- you’re not a diehard fan of the medium you’re a huge fan one series. AGAIN, I digress, we would watch entire series from beginning to end and she basically taught me how to binge a show.

My sister is a fantastic person- and well- there’s more I want to write but I realize now that this will just end being just me puking words down as I think them and well- I don’t really need to write this all down to have the reflection of memories that I wanted. I’ve already had that just thinking about writing this piece, and the act of putting it all down to paper, code, whatever, would take longer than I want so- fuck that.


Journal 0051

I reread all of Nisekoi today, or just now. It’s 3 in the morning right now and I’m in a weird place.

The series has a weird place in my heart. It’s like a lot of other manga series that I just couldn’t imagine ending. Series like Magi, Fullmetal Alchemist, The World God Only Knows, and even Naruto and Bleach.

Nisekoi though, I- I the all the romance was reflective to read. Especially the last volumes, where each girl got a chance to comfort their feelings and to embrace letting go.

I guess it’s taken a really long time for me to get to this point.

I think I’m ready to fall in love again. I don’t know when, or with whom, but- it’s nice to think about.

I want to have my heart full again with some else. I want to feel that warmth that comes from looking at someone I love.

My neice was born today as well, I guess that’s part of it. It’s weird, it really doesn’t mean anything to me at all. Like logically it doesn’t change my life at all, but it’s a nice feeling.

I want to have that in my life at some point. I want kids, I want a family, I want happiness.

I need to put my heart into my actions and to act on the things I want.

It all feels so far away, but it’s what I want. With all my heart.

Journal 0050

The big 50!

Been a while since I’ve made a post, which I guess means that I’ve been doing well eh?

Let’s see… Yesterday was Valentine’s so I spent the day going to class and eating ice cream. Roommate and I found some cheap rib eyes at the grocery store so we marinated then in this really good bbq sauce that he got at an artisan fair.

Did that the day before yesterday, and then we brish d the mountain of snow off our bbq and tossed them on. They came out pretty much fucking perfect and were amazing.

Did end up third wheeling my roommate and his girlfriend, but that’s pretty much my day to day now.

They’re moving to a new place come end of the semester, with another couple of our friends but I’ve been told I’m there Joey, sooo it’s assumed I’ll be over a lot.

Fingers crossed that I can find a job I’m the city, but I had a pretty good interview today, so Im not horribly worried?

Meh, just feeling a little more optimistic than usual. Of course the company the job is for is a little, what’s the word…. Horrible. Yeah that one. I’m sure they’ll pay well and such but… Well they’ve gained a lot of controversy in the past couple of months.

Oh well, fingers are still crossed!

Journal 0049

Saturday 2:00pm

Been a little bit since the last one of these I’ve written eh? Just have some to kill before I’ve got to go and catch a bus back to my parents. Let’s see, what has been going on with my life recently-

Got my grades back for the semester- they weren’t horrible, well they were low- but well I passed everything which was a nice relief! I manged to stave off failing out for another few months, so that is something to be happy about. My dad will probably be disappointing in how low my grades were, but hey you know Cs and the occasional D get degrees! Of course the one A I did get was in my garbage psychology elective. Though, if I didn’t get an A in that I would have been even more devastated given how brain dead easy that course was.

I also bought Elite Dangerous during the Steam Sale. It’s been super entertaining, I can see myself losing several hours of my life to it- I’ve already tossed 15 hours into it and I’ve really only had it for like two days. Other then that there’s really not too much that’s changed in my life really- it’s just been cruising though everyday life- sort of just floating along. Things will pick up again in the new year- and I’ll have to start searching for a job again- yay. But- it’s nothing that I can’t handle. I just need to keep telling myself that- and one day I’ll actually believe it. Right?

Journal 0048

Sunday 10:30pm

Went home this weekend for my sister’s birthday- was a really good time to see her and her husband.

Saturday 6:30pm like two weeks later

Right, never came back to this. Uh, yeah it was nice to see them? Shit its been like two or three weeks uh-

Started exam season already wrote half of then and I’m dreading everything. Smoking heavily and my mind is a mess. I just want to dump out my headspace and start over from scratch. I just can’t deal with all these doubts and my goddam terrible self-esteem crushing me into a paste. 

I’ve like no motivation and I just want to be done with everything. I want to be someone else, I want to be somewhere else I just don’t want to be me. I don’t want to be who I am, how I act, how I think, how I deal with anything. I hate all of it. I want to go back to when I wa younger and just try things over. I want to make different decisions and make different mistakes- I just wish I was something else.

I’m starting to feel that I’m hitting the top of what I can be. I’ve never been the smartest person, I’ve always struggled except when I haven’t and that’s  ruined me. I incapable of becoming something greater than I am. I’m starting to give up on being a better person, I mean whats the point. It’s evident that no matter how many years pass I don’t really change. I’m still the lost and broken crybaby that’s incapable and incompetent person that is always been.

My life is filled with magical highs if energy where I don’t even stop to think about why I enjoy myself. It’s rollercoaster though, the lows thst drag me to the pits of despair and self hatred have started to extend and take over. Why- what is wrong with me. I try to not be an emotional person, yet my emotions constantly fuck me over with my every breath. I hate it. The second I comfortable, the second I relax I get ambushed. 

I can’t ever relax, I constantly ever be calm. Something will always get me and rag me back down from whatever adrenaline high in running on at the time. This is my norm and I guess I should just get used to it. 

Journal 0047


Currently on the bus to school, so that I can work on a lab that’s due today.

I’m super tired, the medication didn’t work as great as I wanted it to last night so I ended up falling asleep at like 12:30? Still a lot better than most days but not what I wanted ideally.

Ugh, I’m just frustrated at how useless one of my lab members is. I mean I have sympathy for the guy, he’s going through shit, but like- can you try and pull your own weight man?

Meh, at least I get to draft tonight. Ixalan has been a pretty fun set to draft, and I’ve been enjoying it a lot. Anyways in the lab, I’ll come back to this later.

2:55am The Next Day 

Welp, totally forgot about this post until I was laying in bed and thinking depressing thoughts. 😛

Made me think, hey I should blog something- because thsts typically the mindset I’m in when I blog.

Anyways, drafting was super fun as always! Got a bunch of sweet cards, did see one of my exes friends there, can’t really not because they work at my LGS. Was a wee but awkward, mostly because I saw them on the bus the other day with my ex going to his place which is in the same subdivision as mine…

Yeah- super fucking awkward things that I have to pretend that I didn’t notice because well fuck I ain’t going to say anything and they sure as hell ain’t going to say anything.

Haha, but yeah made sure to play it cool and pretend that that sighting had never occurred. Which made things a lot better! Played some magic and had a good time!

Also had a moment earlier where I thought my friend was ignoring me… Turns out my phone is just shit and I hadn’t refreshed on the message… Whoops! 

Alright, should probably go to bed now. I’ll try to start posting more regularly, but that won’t happen. 

Journal 0046

EDIT: Made this into a journal post, because it’s more akin to that than a lot of my other ramblings have been.

Falling into old habits again. Fucked my sleep schedule by not doing anything today. Took some allergy medication to make me drowsy, luckily that’s working so I’ll be up tomorrow at a human time. Doesn’t stop my chest from feeling like it’s going to explode though.

Drowning, breath got in my throat. Unable to breath. Kicking my legs in what feels like air, while water engulfs my face. Not even a piece of driftwood to save me. No one to save me.

Got to carry myself. Got to save myself. I’ve got to preserve my own life, from myself.

I need to do something to make myself feel better about myself. Not just this half assed existence that I call living.

I just- I just want to leave everything behind. I’m so tired, and so spent. I can’t keep doing what I’m doing. I can’t just keep pretending that I’m fine, that I’m okay- that I’ll be able to keep breathing and to keep treading water when I’m obviously going to drown.

I can’t keep doing this.

The idea of taking my own life persists in my mind now more than it used to. It’s a thought that haunts me, that’s found it’s way deep into my psyche and refuses to leave. Why- why am I still here.

I’m only here still to suffer, to power though my everyday and to- do nothing. I’m doing nothing with my life. Nothing with anything. I’ll be here, doing nothing for the rest of my life.

Until- i break. Until, I finally summon the courage to throw myself in front of that train. Or off that bridge, or to being that razor across my arm.

Sorry- down my arm. Across won’t kill me- down will. And down is the direction I’m heading to.