I can’t sleep. 

Well more accurately, I don’t want to sleep. 

I’m really lonely I guess. 

I’m still not used to be alone when I go to bed. It’s weird, good think that I would have been used to by now. 

Oh well. 

There’s nothing I can really do besides power through it no? 

Life as a Trash Mob: Prologue

The rain drops falling from the sky hitting my back bring back to consciousness. My head is pounding and my vision blurry- I can feel a bright hot pain coming from my chest.

Blood leaks from my chest and onto the concrete road beneath me, and a chill starts to seep into my bones.

I can vaguely hear shouts of some kind- but the sounds all around me start to get quieter and quieter.

I close my eyes.

****

[Initiating Rebirth system.]

[Rebirth has failed. Error 9xe85]

[Initiating fallback system.]

[Fallback has failed. Error 4xe2]

[Placing target in first available slot.]

[Slot found.]

[Target placed.]

The next time I open my eyes I’m shocked to realize that the pain that was haunting me before had faded away. I blink once or twice, my vision clearly as I look upwards. A bright afternoon sun shines above me.

“Weird- why am I still outside?” I mutter to myself as I try to life myself off the ground.

I lift myself up and attempt to stand up- except- my arms are green. My- my arms are green.

“Wha-” I’m cut off by when a shadow suddenly covers me. I look up to see a bird the size of a elephant leering at me.

I only have a second to react before it suddenly pecks forwards directly at where I used to be lying- I mange to jum- no leap out of the way flying what feels like twenty feet away.

The bird gives chase and I keep leaping towards a hole in the ground. Diving into I let out a scream as the bird sticks it’s head into the hole after me.

It stops near inches away from me as it’s beak opens and closes trying to reach me.

I inch further away heading deeper into the hole the clacking of the peak still behind me.

“What the fuck is going on.” I scream in my head as I slow my pace and take a look around, for being so deep under ground it’s oddly bright.

I spot a large puddle of water and a sudden thirst overtakes me. I hop twice towards it and bend my head down to take a deep drink. Lifting my head the water settles and I freeze when I see my reflection.

Looking back at me were two large yellow eyes with black pupils. There were surrounded with a green slimy looking skin.

Quite frankly- my reflection was showing a frog.

I was a frog.

“Motherfuc-“

Journal 0038

Ended up going to bed at like 9:30pm last night… Didn’t really have anything to do, so I went to bed. It was nice though because at like 7:30 my roommate knocked on my door to make sure that I had woken up.

Apparently I had just left my door open and fallen unconscious, so he was concerned that I hadn’t plugged my phone in and would have just slept the day away. Which was true, because I woke up at four in the morning and then saw that my phone was dead. I plugged it in, but- if I hadn’t then I would have most definitely been super late to work.

But yeah- super nice thing that my roommate did.

Makes me feel far less alone in the world, which is good!

Routine

My eyes open slowly and I stare at the ceiling of my bedroom. I blink once, twice and then a third time as I clear the fog from my mind. Sitting up from my bed I realize that I had fallen asleep on top of my made bed. Without thinking I let out a long yawn.

“Weird, it feels like I haven’t slept at all,” I mutter to myself as I look around my room. It’s in pristine condition the usual mass of clothing that hides my carpet nowhere to be seen. Someone, probably my mom, must have gone through and cleaned up my room when I was asleep.

My stomach grumbles and a sudden aching hunger strikes me. It feels like I haven’t eaten in years. I wearily get up from my bed and head out of my bedroom, the sounds of cutlery clinking on plates comes clearly rings throughout the hallway. Mom must have made breakfast already, though I pause at that thought and look towards the window at the far end of the hall.

The night sky stares back at me and I furrow my brow in confusion. “Did, I sleep though the day?” I rack my memory trying to figure out when I had gone to bed, but- I can’t really remember anything.

I bite my lip absently as I start to head downstairs, worry now starting to plague my thoughts. Did I drink last night? How drunk did I have to get to not even remember coming home or going to bed? How hungover must I have been to sleep through an entire day?

Each question I think of brings forth more questions but before I can start to answer them my breath catches in my throat at what I see at the dining table.

I blink once, twice and then a third time. My brain still doesn’t seem to comprehend what I’m seeing.

At the dining table is my mom, my dad and- me. Or at least someone who looks exactly like me wearing- I look down to myself- exactly what I’m wearing. I don’t understand. How could I be sitting at the table, unless I had a secret twin that no one told me about- this should be impossible. I take a step forwards into the light of the dining room and my mom looks up from her meal and locks eyes with me.

They widen briefly- and I feel the urge to shout, to scream that they were in danger from whatever this doppelganger sitting at the table with them is, but before I can get the words to from my mom sighs.

“You have another one,” she says to my clone sitting at the table, “Try to not make a mess this time.”

“What are you talking about?” I manage to force from my throat as I stand up from the table, or at least my spitting image does.

They look at me and shake their head, is that really how I look? I think to myself as they begin to walk towards me.

I lock eyes with them and a primal fear fills my soul. My breathing speeds up and I can feel my heart racing. I never realized that my eyes were so dark. They come closer and I find my limbs frozen, my hands shaking at my sides as they step forwards closer and closer.

Before I can react I’m on the floor.

I raise my hands to try and push them away but their already on top of me.

My arms are pushed under their legs and they raise a fist above my head.

The first blow makes me dizzy.

The second breaks my nose and I taste blood in my mouth.

I’m screaming now, shouting at the top of my lungs for someone to help me.

I manage to raise myself up enough to catch a glimpse of my parents but they’re simply silently eating dinner.

Why aren’t you helping me!? The words never make it out of my mouth as my mirror image places their hands around my neck and halts them. They begin to tighten-

Tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter and tighter.

My breath stops coming in as they block my throat. The need to cough starts to drive me insane as spit fills my mouth and blocks even more air from reaching my lungs.

Dark black spots start to fill my vision and a buzzing starts to fill my head.

“Third one this week,” I hear my mom mutter, “You really do need to do something about this.”

My dad laughs at that as I lay there dying.

The other me locks eyes with me one last time, their face apathetic.

My eyes open slowly and I stare at the ceiling of my bedroom. I blink once, twice and then a third time as I clear the fog from my mind.

“Weird, it feels like I haven’t slept at all.”

Journal 0037

Had people over last Friday and we drank and hung out. It was fun, ended up being more of a faff then I would have liked but it was still fun to see everyone one again.

I realize that I’m starting to take a back seat in my friend group, it’s sad but- it’s also something that I knew was going to happen. I still have my friend crew so it’s not like I’m totally lost of friends, but it’s just a shame that I won’t have the same connection with my other friends anymore.

I’m still really good friends with one of them though- the others… not so much anymore.

Anyways, before they came over my roommates and I decided to play the tinder drinking game for a bit. It’s a super shallow game (but you know, so is tinder in general) where you go through tinder and drink based on people’s profiles. We ended up pretty drunk while playing, and we also got quite a few matches? We used my account to play, as one of my roommates is dating and the other is… well- he’s unique to say the least.

But yeah- actually got quite a few responses, mostly I think because of it being a Friday night and we almost actually pulled someone. I say that but there’s no doubt that they were simply trolling us- but still the adventure of it is amazing. It’s definitely a game that we’ll play again in the future, because of just how crazy it ended up being.

Hrm- what else has happened. I went rock climbing with one of my friends yesterday. My arms really hurt from it, and it was a lot of work but it was really fun. We got food before we went and I got to meet a bunch of their roommates which was cool. After that we dropped off someone to the school and then went to the Grotto. We climbed for about an hour, before tiring out so we went to Food Basics and bought a bunch of ice cream.

Headed back to my place and ate it and it was amazing.

My crew is meeting up again this Friday to have our annual Friendsmas celebration. It’s quite late but- you know- whatever. 😛

Anyways, that’s really all that deserves to be written about.

Who cares, I care.
Why do I care?

My heart was torn,
broken into a hundred pieces.

I try to catch my breath,
but I lost it with my heart.

I close my eyes,
I can’t see anything anyways.

Who cares. I care.
I care so much.
I don’t get it.
I don’t try to.

I’ll fall more times then I’ll stand.
I’ll trip more times then I’ll step.

I care. Who cares?
No one else does. No one else will. No one else can.

I’m alone.
From now, to the end of time.


I don’t believe that do I? I hope beyond hope for something more one day. I hate being alone. I hate it. This is of my own doing though. This of my own actions and accord. I am alone by choice, be it conscious or not.