Went home this weekend for my sister’s birthday- was a really good time to see her and her husband.
Saturday 6:30pm like two weeks later
Right, never came back to this. Uh, yeah it was nice to see them? Shit its been like two or three weeks uh-
Started exam season already wrote half of then and I’m dreading everything. Smoking heavily and my mind is a mess. I just want to dump out my headspace and start over from scratch. I just can’t deal with all these doubts and my goddam terrible self-esteem crushing me into a paste.
I’ve like no motivation and I just want to be done with everything. I want to be someone else, I want to be somewhere else I just don’t want to be me. I don’t want to be who I am, how I act, how I think, how I deal with anything. I hate all of it. I want to go back to when I wa younger and just try things over. I want to make different decisions and make different mistakes- I just wish I was something else.
I’m starting to feel that I’m hitting the top of what I can be. I’ve never been the smartest person, I’ve always struggled except when I haven’t and that’s ruined me. I incapable of becoming something greater than I am. I’m starting to give up on being a better person, I mean whats the point. It’s evident that no matter how many years pass I don’t really change. I’m still the lost and broken crybaby that’s incapable and incompetent person that is always been.
My life is filled with magical highs if energy where I don’t even stop to think about why I enjoy myself. It’s rollercoaster though, the lows thst drag me to the pits of despair and self hatred have started to extend and take over. Why- what is wrong with me. I try to not be an emotional person, yet my emotions constantly fuck me over with my every breath. I hate it. The second I comfortable, the second I relax I get ambushed.
I can’t ever relax, I constantly ever be calm. Something will always get me and rag me back down from whatever adrenaline high in running on at the time. This is my norm and I guess I should just get used to it.