Journal 0054

Guess who’s back! It’s me, and you know what that means! It’s that I’m drunk and in a terrible headspace.

Yup, as always I try my best to offload all these terrible emotions and want to kill myself by writing my feeling out.

It might even stop me from cutting, although I’m out of nicotine and alcohol–so who the fuck knows.

I already wrote some depressing sad and terrible spoken word– I refuse to call it poetry because it has no rhyme or metric to it– so yeah here I am once more.

I keep trying to rationalize things. That yeah I’m not hideous. I’m not ugly. The reason I don’t do well on Tinder is because of my race and not because I’m terrible to look at.

It’s not working anymore. It’s not working. It just not working. I can’t keep lying to myself.

I guess– I’ve just never felt attractive. I’ve never felt like someone has been interesting in me and how I look. No one cares. No one’s interested.

I’m just some smuck. I’m a great friend, hey that I know and that I am proud of, but- I just wish someone thought I was attractive, or hot or handsome. I’m not. At best I’m cute– that’s all I have going for me.

I have a terrible personality.

I’m short. I’m fat. I’m ugly. I’m not worth anything.

Fuck.

Fuck I need to smoke. I need to do something.

Fuck. I wish someone would read these. I need someone to rely on.

I’m not strong. I’m not anything. I’m broken and stupid and terrible and I want to die.

I wish I was dead but I’m too sacred to try. I wish I could just slit my fucking wrists and never wake up.

No one cares. No one notices, not that I let him. I’m a brilliant actor. That I at least have.

That’s it. That’s it.

I want to die.

No- sorry. I just don’t want to be alive.

Journal 0052

So, about a month ago now my sister gave birth to an adorable little bundle that is known as my niece. While she is a gorgeous little bundle of joy, she did have the unfortunate effect of being born to millennial parents and therefore has a little bit of a stupid name.

I won’t say it for fear of this somehow being traced back to who I actually am IRL (odds of that are hopefully super low, but there is a breadcrumb trail now that I think about that you could use if you knew me in real life, and some of my actual habits or been one of the few people whose seen my little black book of poetry than…) but I digress, that’s unimportant to the fact that my big sister is now a mom.

I’m also an uncle, but like in the tiers of life-changing events that involve new family members, I feel like uncle means the smallest real change in my life? Like it’s not like I suddenly have real responsibilities, especially because my sister is a decade older than I am, so I’m still a tiny baby compared to her and everyone else in her life. Aside, from like… her actual baby I guess.

But yeah- it got me thinking about my sister and my relationship with her. It was only a couple of years ago that I read a speech at her wedding that got great responses to, because- to be modest- I’m a fantastic public speaker. It’s pretty much the one thing that I would say I can confidently and without self-deprecation say that I nail.

But again, I digress, my relationship with my sister is more akin to that of a third younger parent- she did a lot of the heavy lifting when it came to raising me to become a functioning grown human being and my entire personality- writing style, and hobbies all really stem from her. She’s such a giant when it comes to my life that I honestly would have no doubt without her in my life I would be lost.

So- I basically want to just commit to the paper…binary? Code? Meh- whatever. I just want to talk about and gush about some of the great memories I have with her.

I remember that when I was still in high school and she was living with us still at my parents, every long weekend we would find a game and rent it out, and she would watch me play through it. It worked really well for the Uncharted series and is the main reason why I have so much love for those games (though my lack of a PS4 means I’ve missed out on the fourth game and the spinoff game, I did actually play some of the Vita game- mostly because I borrowed a Vita from a friend back in the day). We played through the first three games that way- and every second of it was a blast- from start to finish.

I also can’t count the hours that we spent watching anime together, the main reason I’m even a fan of anime is my sister’s fault, she’s the one who infected me and also made it so that I was magnitudes above all of my co-anime nerds in true nerdiness. I stand by my gatekeeping in that you are not a die-hard hardcore giant nerd of the medium if you do not try and watch most of the series that comes out every season. You can be a huge fan of a certain series, but you’re just not a huge fan of the medium if you’re missing out on most of it. It’s like a movie fan who would only watch what one director puts out- you’re not a diehard fan of the medium you’re a huge fan one series. AGAIN, I digress, we would watch entire series from beginning to end and she basically taught me how to binge a show.

My sister is a fantastic person- and well- there’s more I want to write but I realize now that this will just end being just me puking words down as I think them and well- I don’t really need to write this all down to have the reflection of memories that I wanted. I’ve already had that just thinking about writing this piece, and the act of putting it all down to paper, code, whatever, would take longer than I want so- fuck that.

Journal 0049

Saturday 2:00pm

Been a little bit since the last one of these I’ve written eh? Just have some to kill before I’ve got to go and catch a bus back to my parents. Let’s see, what has been going on with my life recently-

Got my grades back for the semester- they weren’t horrible, well they were low- but well I passed everything which was a nice relief! I manged to stave off failing out for another few months, so that is something to be happy about. My dad will probably be disappointing in how low my grades were, but hey you know Cs and the occasional D get degrees! Of course the one A I did get was in my garbage psychology elective. Though, if I didn’t get an A in that I would have been even more devastated given how brain dead easy that course was.

I also bought Elite Dangerous during the Steam Sale. It’s been super entertaining, I can see myself losing several hours of my life to it- I’ve already tossed 15 hours into it and I’ve really only had it for like two days. Other then that there’s really not too much that’s changed in my life really- it’s just been cruising though everyday life- sort of just floating along. Things will pick up again in the new year- and I’ll have to start searching for a job again- yay. But- it’s nothing that I can’t handle. I just need to keep telling myself that- and one day I’ll actually believe it. Right?

Journal 0045

Yeah- aniblog is not going to happen.

Don’t got the time and what I chose to blog about turned out to be well less than five minutes, something I should have known but whatever.

Haha, anywho-

Yeah- that’s it for now.

Journal 0044

Hey, so quick update on things.

Dah dah dah dah- insert some depressing things here about my life and lack of things that are important to me but whatever.

Anywho future plans, DnD is taking a backseat in general as I don’t have that easy access to photoshop or the time to do it anymore- so instead I’m going to start back at aniblogging.

I’m blogging Osake wa Fuufu ni Natte Kara (Alcohol is for Married Couples) which appeals to both my alcoholism as well as my love of super cute couples. First episode is going to air tomorrow so I’ll see if I can’t get the post out right away.

Going to be lower on the number of screenshots but I’ll probably try and post photos of drinks that I’ll make while I watch! (I’ll research those before hand so I have some parity with the actual show).

But yeah- to tomorrow!

Journal 0042

Been having trouble breathing for the past couple of days. Stress is starting to get to me.

Ugh- I hate everything.

My heart feels like it’s been running on overdrive since Monday and I haven’t been this nervous for something since I what feels like ages. I’m pretty sure that I’m going to explode.

Ah well-

If the stress does kill me, which it probably  will-

I’ll just- I’ll just be dead.

Hey that doesn’t sound too bad now does it!

Journal 0040

So- my life is in fucking shambles. I say this- but well I guess relativity it’s not. It just really fucking feels like it.

Planning for the convention has been going soooooo great. I say this with most sarcasm and venom that one could have when speaking about anything. The world seems to be conspiring to ensure that I have the most stressful of times.

I can feel my hair turning white and I want to scream and rip out my own arm to beat myself to death with.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

For fuck’s sake.

But yeah-

Fucking peachy.

That’s my life.

Journal 0038

Ended up going to bed at like 9:30pm last night… Didn’t really have anything to do, so I went to bed. It was nice though because at like 7:30 my roommate knocked on my door to make sure that I had woken up.

Apparently I had just left my door open and fallen unconscious, so he was concerned that I hadn’t plugged my phone in and would have just slept the day away. Which was true, because I woke up at four in the morning and then saw that my phone was dead. I plugged it in, but- if I hadn’t then I would have most definitely been super late to work.

But yeah- super nice thing that my roommate did.

Makes me feel far less alone in the world, which is good!

Journal 0037

Had people over last Friday and we drank and hung out. It was fun, ended up being more of a faff then I would have liked but it was still fun to see everyone one again.

I realize that I’m starting to take a back seat in my friend group, it’s sad but- it’s also something that I knew was going to happen. I still have my friend crew so it’s not like I’m totally lost of friends, but it’s just a shame that I won’t have the same connection with my other friends anymore.

I’m still really good friends with one of them though- the others… not so much anymore.

Anyways, before they came over my roommates and I decided to play the tinder drinking game for a bit. It’s a super shallow game (but you know, so is tinder in general) where you go through tinder and drink based on people’s profiles. We ended up pretty drunk while playing, and we also got quite a few matches? We used my account to play, as one of my roommates is dating and the other is… well- he’s unique to say the least.

But yeah- actually got quite a few responses, mostly I think because of it being a Friday night and we almost actually pulled someone. I say that but there’s no doubt that they were simply trolling us- but still the adventure of it is amazing. It’s definitely a game that we’ll play again in the future, because of just how crazy it ended up being.

Hrm- what else has happened. I went rock climbing with one of my friends yesterday. My arms really hurt from it, and it was a lot of work but it was really fun. We got food before we went and I got to meet a bunch of their roommates which was cool. After that we dropped off someone to the school and then went to the Grotto. We climbed for about an hour, before tiring out so we went to Food Basics and bought a bunch of ice cream.

Headed back to my place and ate it and it was amazing.

My crew is meeting up again this Friday to have our annual Friendsmas celebration. It’s quite late but- you know- whatever. 😛

Anyways, that’s really all that deserves to be written about.

Journal 0036

What are we talking about?

Let’s just talk about what’s been going on in my life for the past couple days.

Ended up going downtown again last Friday. Had a really good time with my two friends who have the same name. Well more accurately, my one friend and her friend with the same name as them. Was pleasantly drunk as well as other things that night, and overall it was just a good night. We hit up a dive bar called Franks and I spent far too much money (looking back now) on drinks, (of course at the time it seemed like the perfect amount to be spending).

Had an interesting uber driver as well. It was someone who had drove me in the past and recognized me. At least I think I had them in the past, that or it was someone who knew me in real life- which is a sobering thought that I just had… Hopefully not- though to be fair, me going home with two girls does seem like a pretty good looking situation on my end?

Other than that… hung out with my roommates and a few of my mates during the actual weekend. I say that, what I mean is that I spent most of Saturday sleeping, and then I watched the game with them on Sunday, and that leads to today? I sure there were other things that happened before my last journal post but I can’t remember them (as my memory is shit), so who cares?

Ah, there was an interesting moment on Friday!

My friend gave me a CD they had been holding onto that I had bought my ex-partner before we broke up. In my drunken/high haze I broke the piece of shit in two and chucked it. It was oddly- nothing. There wasn’t this satisfaction or even a sadness for wasting money on it. Just- nothing. I’m glad I did it though? I think? I certainly wasn’t going to keep it, and I had already given the band the money for it (which is good, because I like the band). So breaking it was more of- symbolic kind of thing than anything? It just felt right to do- but it just didn’t do anything for me.

I don’t know what I want anymore. That’s a difficult thing to wrap my head around. I’ve always thought that I knew what I wanted. Well that’s not true, I don’t think I’ve ever really known what I want to do with my life, but I thought the small things- like my actions- were things that I knew why I was doing them. That I knew what I wanted when I did things.

I mean- I don’t know what I mean. I’m still tired all the time, that’s something that hasn’t changed. That’s comforting. I guess?

Whatevers. It really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things anyways. I’m still stuck here doing what I’ve always been doing, trying to figure out what tiny excuse I have for not killing myself. Be it a new game that I want to try, be it my family who I don’t want to hurt, be it the fear of actually killing myself and not knowing what comes afterwards, if just nothing or if there actually is something waiting for those that leave the mortal coil. It’s mostly the game thing though. I’m only alive because of the stories that I haven’t had a chance to experience yet.

I hate living where and when I am. In this world, where the mundane seeps though into everything. I hate it. I wish I didn’t have the will or energy to think about it. I wish that I had bigger concerns than pondering about the uselessness of life. I don’t though- because of my upbringing and because of the privileges that I was born with I will always have the chance to wax poetic about my life and wonder about where I’m from and where I’ve come from. I will always be able to wonder about where I’m going and what choices have taken me there. I will always dread my existence and everything that relates to it.

It’s why I drink and smoke and more. It’s why I read, why I play video games, why I watch TV. It’s because I don’t like reality. My ex-partner used to mention a lot things didn’t feel real to them. That’s something I never understood. It’s something I still don’t understand. I mean- of course it’s real. If it wasn’t real why would I be suffering? There is nothing more real than pain, of any kind. There is nothing that proves to me that I am alive, more than the fact that it hurts to live. It hurts to simply exist. How could that not be real? I mean- what kind of question even is that. Of course this is real- if it wasn’t- what else is there?

I’m a deeply flawed person. Deeply. Doesn’t that make me real?